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21 more things = 42

The last post was the 21 things I KNOW at 42. At the end I said I'd consider writing 21 more things to make it 42 in total & then ...


His Name Wasn't John, but...Dear Him

Something I found digging in the crates.
It felt relevant as a friend is going through something right now and might be able to use this. Maybe not. Keep ya head up, Friend.
No need for you to ask after me after you read this. I'm good. This is old.


Dear You,

A lot of time has passed since you made a decision that greatly changed both our lives. Because I've always wanted the best for you, I supported your decision, no matter the hurt it caused me or how it went against what I thought I wanted. It didn't take long for me to see the blessing in disguise I'd been handed and began making the adjustment. I thought everything was all good because I didn't look backwards, choosing instead to focus on my newest adventure and getting next to the great feeling of only being responsible for self. I felt no loss and no longing when the dust settled and took pride in watching you apply the things you'd learned from me/us.

I walked away a more positive, self-aware, peaceful person, capable of doing things I never thought possible. We managed a better than amicable separation, returning to friendship as our default and maintaining respect for one another. It was through breaking up that we discovered we were the "it couple." The hopes of many rested in us as people watched in awe of the way we were laying our foundation. They were devastated by our break up. Through their mourning I had to wonder, if we couldn't do it with all we were working with...how am I supposed to do this again with someone else? You were my best friend, my heart, and my partner. I've discovered that the vision for us was only buried under a quilt in hope chest. Glimpses of it peeks out when seasons change and things go in or come out. It's hard.

Those things that weren't right still may not be. I don't have any way of knowing. And I suppose that you'd tell me if you wanted me to know. Where I was once comfortable with you going forth and being happy I'm beginning to wonder who jackhammered our structure? How come we didn't fight to save it? Why did we give up on this so easily? I admittedly made a promise to myself that I wouldn't ever beg anyone to be with me, but begging and fighting for what's right are two different realities.

Who is to know when to fight or when to bow out gracefully? I'm learning how to be graceful, though bowing down isn't really my style. I don't know what the future has in store for us, or if the word "us" is even right to use in this situation. I have no regrets though. None at all.

Watch me move.

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