She Flies Solo-But Why? a continuation
Chinese symbol for sex...
I can see my girl KoKo’s face now, if she’s reading.
“This girl is always talking about sex…”
If the letters I used to write to her are any indication, then yeah, it’s been heavy on my mind since…before we even met 19 years ago. It’s been my curiosity, my candy, my punishment (mediocre sex is indeed a punishment) and my pleasure.
I feel like I need to meet honesty with honesty. & I’m feeling, a little shaky on this right now, putting my WHOLE business out there, but transparency isn’t partial and I have no shame.
When I was 15, I hadn’t started my cycle yet and my mother decided to take me for my first gynecological appointment. We discovered that I wasn’t on par with other girls my age because there was no uterus to be found. Fallopian tubes and ovaries free floating and no menstrual cycle on the horizon.
Don’t weep for me. I’ve done enough of that over the years to wash us all smooth off the planet. I’ve had more than enough time to contemplate what this means for me as a woman, can I call myself one, what about those babies I so desperately wanted, what man would ever want to be with me, do I believe in surrogacy, is adoption for me, am I worthy of love…..?? You name it and I’ve questioned it—TO DEATH! I’m past that now.
Biologically speaking, my hormones are intact. I’m not lacking any estrogen, my pheremones might actually be stronger than the average woman’s. My closest friends have witnessed the phenomenon of me having a mock cycle, getting in on their moons and having the symptoms with none of the bleeding. Depending on how you look at it, it’s not such a bad deal. Depending…
I have to wonder if my quest for sexual freedom is as a result of all of this. Was I able to develop a different sexual identity because of my physiological blueprint? I still have inhibitions and hurdles I need to get over. But as a young woman who often felt more comfortable with the written word than the spoken word, I discovered sex was a different kind of conversation that I could have. The openness of it has been invigorating, exciting, highly spiritual, and often frighteningly vulnerable [being the control freak that I am].
Our circumstances are what shape us. Our experiences determine our perspectives. I don’t know how much of my thinking is as a result of my physiology. It could all be resulting from my history. Maybe it’s the times I was broken by men and use this as my tool for standing up straight. It could be my psychological response to the occasions (yeah, that’s plural) in which I have been violated by boys/men who were responsible for my safety and wellbeing. Or it could be the hard work I’ve put in to learning to love me at all costs and no matter whom (using this word makes me cringe) else wants to join in.
The point, Lady?! Sorry, I know…. We are all made up of different ingredients. Some of us have more than others. Some like it spicy (ME), while others prefer light fare. We can live carefully, with wild abandon, or in a nice gray space between the two. I don’t know what in my world has shaped the sexual being that I am, but she’s complex. And I am VERY interested in cracking her code. That doesn’t equal wild partnerships, it simply equates to self interest, learning experientially the nature of this beast.
But that’s not for everyone. And I respect that.
Watch me move.
I've noticed the trend in sexual conversations to often involve religion. When religion enters the picture, people begin to make gross generalizations that persons who are sexually active are engaging irresponsibly and promiscuously, IF they are not married. The truth of the matter is that ANYONE can have irresponsible sex, hence the number of married couples who are dealing with the entry of STD's & outside pregnancies, as well as a host of other issues. It is necessary to remember that no matter where you fall on the sexual spectrum, commitment and monogamy ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS. You must be clear what you want, whether you've waited til your silver years to get it or you got started at 16. YOU, and YOU alone, determine how you want it to go down but waiting no more offer guarantees than not waiting. Have sex or don't, but do whatever you choose to do responsibly.