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Wednesday

Last Night I Fell In Love


Driving.

Minding my business, eyes focused on the road, not really taking in the surroundings. No need really. I’ve driven this road so much that I can really do it in my sleep, and often feel like I’m sleeping when I drive it, waking up in front of my apartment with no recollection on how I got there.

This was no different, for the most part. I recall the huge Grinch stealing Christmas in someone’s yard, 2 stories tall, and thinking how ridiculous it was. I recall the black living room set in front of the thrift store and thinking it looked awfully clean and modern for that store. I remember wondering how the lady in the minivan behind me managed to shake the traffic and get in front of me, and committing to reclaiming my place in front of her.

Somewhere in all of that, I turned off Raekwon’s Cuban Linx Pt II, and was listening to the radio. No, I don’t recall doing it. Some remixed version of the delusional dude chasing R. Kelly’s style and claiming to have invented sex came on and forced me to switch stations, wondering when I started listening to the radio. Needing to escape the madness, I turned to an “adult” station to seek refuge. The music hit me, the song just beginning, no words yet. My stomach clenched. My face got hot. My mind started racing. I was so involved in my physical response to the song that I never identified the singer. His voice came in, silky smooth and clear as crystal. “GODDAMN YOU, LUTHER!” He was singing The Night I Fell In Love.

What did my mind do? It grabbed its flashlight and went searching for my heart and ganged up on me. Near tears, traveling at breakneck speed down memory lane, I suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in love. To feel those feelings of warmth, peace, and joy deep in my belly. I wanted to know a face on the other end of brief call-ins, I-love-you texts (remember the 1-4-3 on ya pager?), a warm body on the other side of the bed, big open arms to wrap me up and take me away like Calgon. I saw babes with our blended features, the best of Mommy and Daddy standing at our knees looking up in amazement at the love their parents share.

The fantasy slapped with a sting like a wet fish across the face. I even reached up to feel my cheek where the sensation lingered. I drove faster, wanting to get home and out of the tight air in my car that was filled with this desire to love and be loved. I had committed to a selfish period, guaranteed myself that I’d only be responsible to and for self right now--outside of the children I care for and about all day at work--and get into ME! I felt like a traitor in the car, arguing with myself that “I’m not ready for that yet, leave me alone.” I gave myself the side-eye that read, “OK, but don’t sleep. You’re open again and it’ll come for you faster than a young nut.” Wait for it...that one’ll come to you, I promise.

Nervously, I await, scared of the way life gives me what I need in packages I wouldn’t normally choose. Time to gather my coping mechanisms near and sit with my arsenal to protect myself against impending vulnerability. I swear...I’m just not ready but, last night, apparently I fell in love. I can't wait to find out who HE is.

Watch me move.

4 comments:

  1. It's crazy that I know that feeling all too well. I've even made it a point to be fully aware of exactly how it feels. Why? Simple. Because when I don't feel it or I'm not immersed in it or even near an approach to the notion of it all...I have no idea as to how it feels. It's always been the one feeling I can't replicate just for reference sake. Maybe it's me. Maybe others can. Maybe...just maybe...it's a preventative measure set in me by my subconscious to cut it off at the pass. And if that's the case, there's only one logical reason...

    You can't fight love.

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  2. Love is a beautiful thing it can hurt like hell when it fails, but when its right aint nothing like it Id take my chances if I were u man!!!.. Cuban Linx 1 Kudos!! YOUNG NUT LMAO

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  3. Now you know if you say ya ready it'll be another five years. So just...flow. Me too.

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  4. Holidays getting to you too:) Take your time, take your time. Love is...putting up with someone for years and years. I've done it for two and already have a couple gray hairs, wouldn't be surprised if I get an ulcer next:)

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