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21 more things = 42

The last post was the 21 things I KNOW at 42. At the end I said I'd consider writing 21 more things to make it 42 in total & then ...

Monday

Looking Back In Time


I didn't start blogging yesterday. & I certainly didn't start writing yesterday. So, I went digging for evidence of where my mind was around this time in another blogosphere. I found something, not this exact date, but close enough in month and day, though it was actually posted 2 years ago. Finding it gave me pause. 2 years ago. & it's still relevant. I'm not sure how long it's going to take to get over this, to find healing in a form I can claim as complete. In talking to 2 friends, a girlfriend last night, and another friend a few weeks ago, I realize that the effects of this incident still cause me pain and too many of my decisions about other people are informed by it. This concept, this notion, has come up on more than one occasion in here, cuz I guess I'm still seeking it. The search continues. It was more raw on this day. Luckily, I've scabbed over some from this date in time...but it still hurts to the touch.


Forgiveness


Forgiveness is a godlike quality
Like compassion
The ability to look beyond human flaws
To see only the essence of purity that was our origin

& so here I am worshiping at my own altar
Getting next to the goddess in me
Being tested in forgiveness & compassion

I haven't gotten my papers yet
My halo is still a little tarnished
1 wing is a little bent
But that's what you were sent here for
To straighten me out
Take me back to my god-like essence

Forgiveness is the lesson I must master at present
But I lose focus without reminders
My task, I believe is
As follows:

Forgive you for being a boy, masquerading as a man
Forgive you for wielding your penis like a sword
Forgive you for your lack of education-somewhere you missed the definition of "no"
Forgive you for possessing the spirit of the 1 who molested you
Forgive you for sullying the entity of friendship
Forgive you for your deaf ears
Forgive you for your callous heart
Forgive you for your selfishness
Forgive your for your ego
Forgive you for embarrassing the women in your family in this manner
Forgive you for changing how I see myself
Forgive you for getting me high off anger
Forgive you for being so insecure
Forgive you for infecting my mind w/the sewage I throw up whenever I think of this-you-& me now
Forgive you for choking me with distrust


(c) 2008 alt

The old folks say "he never gives you more than you can handle."
I say my cup runneth over with bullshit & I just want a fuckin break. I'm growing, I promise, but this crash course in becoming a goddess is kickin my ass.

DAYUM

I've put a great deal of distance between me & this moment. I won't stand still.

Watch me move.

3 comments:

  1. sheeeeit. Gettin to the essence, now....

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  2. Excuse me for a moment while I second your DAYUM.
    OK, back to my regularly scheduled programming. I can't tell you anymore about forgiveness than I'm sure you've already heard, processed and spoken yourself. I guess I can just say that I am proud of you for actually wearing your hurt. This may sound crazy but stay with me. See, I have watched my mom be cut on repeatedly, having what I believe are the festering masses of old and new hurt removed from her body. She never embraced her pain, recognized as real, palpable and legiimate until it threatened to kill her. Only then did she submit to the process of unleashing it. But it was too late and the damage had been done. Continue to process the hurt, better out than in. Share your story because it brings healing to others. Sorry I don't have an N.W.A. song today but know that we are all walking this path to some degree or another with you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I COMMEND YOU ON BEING ABLE TO SHARE THIS WITH US.... BUT ALREADY KNO ITS 2 FOLK HERE WHO DONT PLAY DAT SHIT!!!

    ReplyDelete