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Tuesday

Feeling Like Both the Needle And the Haystack


I remember when I used to feel like this (on more than 1 occasion):
Turn me inside out
Make my heart speak
Need no one else
You’re all I need
Personality and everything you do
Makes me love everything bout you

One In a Million, Aaliyah


Something is going on. I can’t call what it is, but it’s really REAL.

I’m out here with no lack of options. From time to time I even exercise a few of them, just to keep my muscles taut, remember what it feels like. Honestly though…my heart ain’t in it. All the right words are being solved on the Scramble Board (a la Soul Train), but they aren’t forming coherent sentences. They’re not creating any agendas, making me feel like, “ooohhh, I wanna know what he’s about!” After most conversations or outings I walk away feeling more like, “really though? Did that just happen?” In the mix there are some folks who really stand out, like people who ARE star players…but best on someone else’s team. I don’t want to stand in anyone’s way of being properly appreciated and invite folks to remember that they can call FOUL, exit the court, and remain a free agent. I’ve not made any false promises, given out any keys to my spot and revoked them. I’ve been honest, perhaps brutally so, in an attempt to make sure that all parties know what it’s hittin’ for from the door.

If I were a lightweight thinker, I might assume this is all directly related to me wearing some concrete shoes and standing on the front porch of my previous relationship, wishing someone would let me in. That would be a falsehood though. My things don’t reside there anymore, including my heart; though that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time for it to take up residence elsewhere. I’ve watched others start and end relationships since mine ended, rushing to get back out there and let someone else cool their scrapes and put them on the mend. It didn’t quite work out that way for MOST of them, rushing out there ‘cuz they're afraid to roll over and wake up next to themselves. That ain’t never been me. I’d be hard pressed to find the girlfriend that can point out an occasion where I was down ‘cuz I ain’t have no man. Something magical has always happened on the occasions when I thought it was worth it TO have one. I guess I’m looking for that magical thing again. That thing where someone you weren’t expecting comes out of the blue and makes you tingle in places that don’t get moist. I wanna see colors and wonder if I’m suddenly capable of detecting auras. I wanna giggle at the very sight of Him and start playing the Naming Game. I want the words Make Room For Daddy to take on new meaning and be more than a TV Show.

I cain’t stay away from you too long
Even if I do, I’ll always call
Checkin on you to make sure you’re ok
Be the one to brighten up your day
And the point of it all
I love you
And the reason for it all
I love you

My days seem long whenever we’re apart
It’s like someone has stole away my heart
You’re a major part of my life
And no matter what the storm may bring
I’m fine WITH you
And the point of it all
I love you
And the reason for it all
I love you

The Point of It All, Anthony Hamilton


Instead, I’m out here wondering why they make movies so long these days and can I get through this without a drink? I’m wondering why I don’t feel safe enough to let it all hang out, and since I don’t, can you please take me back in? Inspiration breeds art and I wanna get to creatin’. I’m tired of big dreams wearing ill-fitted clothing, trying to pass himself off as The Truth. I KNOW I’m difficult, but the very moment it becomes a heart thang, all those barriers move aside. For those that don’t, I give you the secrets to knocking ‘em down, glad to be vulnerable and trembling before you. I want my knees to knock and feel Him put his hand between them lovingly and tell me, “Baby, I got this.” He never has to say the words again because I see it daily.

I miss when love songs related to my present. Instead it's the ones from back then that move me, moving me to reminisce. I keep saying I want "I ain't ready yet" to disappear and be replaced with "Come on widdit, nah." Perhaps I keep false starting at my own gun and need to return to the blocks. It's not time. Not sure why, though I can think of several factors that could contribute. I just have to listen to self. Returning to sit next to me and listen for instructions. Maybe I'll play myself the right song to clear it all up and give me the next steps.

For now...

Watch me sit for a spell.

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