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21 more things = 42

The last post was the 21 things I KNOW at 42. At the end I said I'd consider writing 21 more things to make it 42 in total & then ...

Friday

FUGG YOU VERY MUCH PLEASE!


Sometimes relationships suck more than hookers on a Friday night.

You ain’t gotta really understand where I was going with that one. I just had to hawk that one and SPIT it before I choke.

I’m FINALLY angry and, as my boy reminded me today, anger is when shit starts movin’. I’m so mad I’m postin’ on a Friday and that goes against my the rules. All that peace I was promotin’ before…yeah, it’s done. I ain’t gon’ flip the script all the way and suddenly wish ill on folks, but I ain’t gon’ expend no more energy trying to make things…right. What’s funny is how long it actually took for me to get here. I kept hearing the best thing to do is to be with your best friend. What I’ve learned, and it could just be unique to my experience, is that I couldn’t separate myself from it. The friendship was so much a part of who I was before we got together that I immediately fell in that groove like your favorite song on a record (a real one). So, when I shoulda been cutting a muthafucka off, I was bein’ a friend. When I shoulda been cussin’ a muthafucka out, I was bein’ a friend. When I shoulda been phasin’ a muthafucka ON, I was bein’ a friend.

Friendship has as many rules as relationships and I messed around and was still tryna follow ‘em. That only makes sense if everybody at the table is followin’ the same rules. What usually happens during a break up is folks start rewriting the playbook and DON’T SHARE. Duh, cuz they ain’t s’posed to. Where I always get caught tryna be the honorable 1, the next MAN is doin’ his thing in my face, behind my back, next to me and all the while skinnin’ & grinnin’ & leavin’ shit out the conversation. BUT WHY ARE WE STILL TALKIN ANYWAY?? I know you’re asking that question, so I just went on ahead and yelled at myself for you. I know…I know. It’s done now.

What I really wanna do is throw around some of those million dollar phrases that have a WHOLE LOT of expletives. I wanna crack the N-word like a flare at the scene of a wreck. This is INDEED a wreck. The cold-hearted bish everybody thinks I am hasn’t shown up once, and I am STILL unsuccessful at tearing him a new one. That’s OK. I’ll just mutter these cuss words under my breath and rue the day I got caught slippin’ and slept with a wolf wearing the most beautiful shearling. I feel like this is the part where I start making promises to the next man/men that come along. “I wish a muthafucka would…

I’ma give it a try anyway, to say what I never did but should have. Now’s the time, if you haven’t already, to move your kid from hovering over your shoulder, eye-hustlin’ all in my bidness.

FUCK YOU for not being honest with yourself from the jump and dragging me into it!
FUCK YOU 2X’s for not taking the outs given to you on more than 1 occasion, and you kept claiming you wanted to be where you were!
FUCK YOU for holding up a welcome sign while secretly packing my things away behind my back!
FUCK YOU for selling me something I wasn’t looking for in the 1st goddamn place, shining it up real nice and then giving it to me without the batteries so the shit never worked!
FUCK YOU for dangling the family carrot in front of me, knowing my situation, and then blaming me for being who I am!
FUCK YOU for never giving me credit for the long hours and hard work I put in to making your world better and the world of those that belong to you!
FUCK YOU for listening to people who are tragic themselves and wouldn’t know a “best interest at heart” if they tripped over it on their way to the “Ways of Those With Low Self Esteem” ministry meetin’!
FUCK YOU for giving me children to love and taking them away from me!
FUCK YOU for all the drama you brought and let me carry while you ate righteous popcorn from leather theater seats!
FUCK YOU for not honoring the gifts I gave you by doing better!
FUCK YOU for leaving me in a partnership of one and telling me too long after the fact for me to walk away from YOU!
Speaking of which, FUCK YOU for embarrassing me with your latest decision and giving me one more thing to carry for you.
FUCK YOU for wasting the ride-or-die era and pretty much ensuring it doesn't return.
FUCK YOU for not honoring me with the truth!
FUCK YOU for not being man enough to carry your truth and making me tell it to myself FOR YOU and all you had to do was nod or check yes or no!
FUCK YOU for not knowing better, being shown better, and still not choosing to DO BETTER!
FUCK YOU for always taking the easy way out and leaving your mess for others to clean up!
FUCK YOU for convincing me it'd be different this time!
FUCK YOU for bastardizing the term "good communication!"
FUCK YOU for still occupying a place in my heart!! Eviction day is coming without notice!
FUCK YOU for it being 1 am, making it 24 hours (at least) I've been tossing around shit related to YOU!

FUCK YOU
, I'm going to bed; this could go on for days. I know someone we know mutually will figure this out and put you on, if you haven’t stumbled across this already. I dare you to have an opinion or look down on me for being hurt. I’m owed this moment, since you kept duping me out of it, and I will have it so that I too may move on. I still love parts of you, you know what I mean by that…hell, I still love you, but I’m TOO THROUGH with your behavior and inconsiderations (I make shit up more when I’m mad). This is what I need to be able to put one foot in front of the other and figure out what out here is mine. Perhaps one day, I can look at you again and smile. Right now, I wouldn’t be able to see you through the tears, the tears of annoyance that come right after you discover how stupid you’ve been and calculate how long. I can’t get those days back. For that, FUCK YOU AGAIN!

Watch my back [as I walk away].

2 comments:

  1. Wow, this is powerful! Wow, release it, sis, release. If he didn't know, he knows now!!!! Btw, I love always love your writing- it has such clarity! Stay powerful, strong, and loving!!!!

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  2. *shakes head*
    I swear us men can be really dumb sometimes. Can't believe he actually used the term "good communication". You really can't "communicate" any better than this! I wonder if he's ever seen this? Powerful indeed!

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