This is from my memory, & I admit it could be flawed. It’s mine just the same.
I don’t recall the day, just that it was one where one of my parents had to go to work and the other didn’t. The parent that was not had apparently orchestrated a getaway mission. At 7 I had somehow managed to miss the minute details of the demise of my parents’ relationship. Perhaps the civil unrest had become standard to me, adults just naturally develop a sneer and avoid each other. Don’t they?
As my father did whatever it is that he did on his job of many years, the same one that he “retired” from, my father stole my sister and I away in a van with her uncle at the helm. I awoke to a new life, that I hadn’t asked for, in a new state and in a house that I was familiar with but that wasn’t mine. I shut down and erected a wall of silence to protect me as I sat a lone vigil, waiting for my father to come and get me.
He did not.
And so began my obsession with being so important that a man would put me first. Not just any man. I’ve been the object of desire, of fantasy. I’ve been the object of dreams of the future. What I wanted more than anything was for the man that I WANTED to want me bad enough to put that desire first. It’s a classic case of unresolved abandonment: Psych 101.
This need may be selfish. Maybe I should stop waiting for this sign of undying [HA!] love and commitment from the man I Want. There are those that say you should be with the one that loves you the most, not that you love the most. Is it silly for me to want that to be the same man?
I haven’t created a list of Must Haves, like those that are the brunt of jokes as they get aired on “reality” TV shows. Sure I’d love a man with a nice physique. Who wouldn’t? I want Him to have all his teeth. I want Him to make me look forward to the next time we’re alone. I’d also like to laugh. A lot. I want adventure, but I realize I can still have it even if He isn’t willing to go on them with me. I want education, but know that doesn’t make Him smart. I want Him to be, or be very capable of, being a good contributor/provider. It just makes things easier when a man feels secure in his ability to do for his intended, and any progeny. I’d prefer Him not to be a Mama’s Boy or suffering from his own set of issues related to his father. Like looking for a man without children, that might be a bit unrealistic since, I’m clearly dealing with my own issues with my parents. With all that…I still mostly want him to want me enough to put me 1st. Who sang it? “I want to want you and I want you to want me too.” Yeah…that.
My boy, Real Talk, can’t stand Vaseline and absolutely must have A/C. It’s a gift left over from his childhood issues of being the shiniest kid on the block and burning up in the Southern heat. We’ve all got them. This happens to be
Watch me move.