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21 more things = 42

The last post was the 21 things I KNOW at 42. At the end I said I'd consider writing 21 more things to make it 42 in total & then ...

Monday

Daddy's Little...Woman


This is from my memory, & I admit it could be flawed. It’s mine just the same.

I don’t recall the day, just that it was one where one of my parents had to go to work and the other didn’t. The parent that was not had apparently orchestrated a getaway mission. At 7 I had somehow managed to miss the minute details of the demise of my parents’ relationship. Perhaps the civil unrest had become standard to me, adults just naturally develop a sneer and avoid each other. Don’t they?
As my father did whatever it is that he did on his job of many years, the same one that he “retired” from, my father stole my sister and I away in a van with her uncle at the helm. I awoke to a new life, that I hadn’t asked for, in a new state and in a house that I was familiar with but that wasn’t mine. I shut down and erected a wall of silence to protect me as I sat a lone vigil, waiting for my father to come and get me.

He did not.


And so began my obsession with being so important that a man would put me first. Not just any man. I’ve been the object of desire, of fantasy. I’ve been the object of dreams of the future. What I wanted more than anything was for the man that I WANTED to want me bad enough to put that desire first. It’s a classic case of unresolved abandonment: Psych 101.

This need may be selfish. Maybe I should stop waiting for this sign of undying [HA!] love and commitment from the man I Want. There are those that say you should be with the one that loves you the most, not that you love the most. Is it silly for me to want that to be the same man?

I haven’t created a list of Must Haves, like those that are the brunt of jokes as they get aired on “realityTV shows. Sure I’d love a man with a nice physique. Who wouldn’t? I want Him to have all his teeth. I want Him to make me look forward to the next time we’re alone. I’d also like to laugh. A lot. I want adventure, but I realize I can still have it even if He isn’t willing to go on them with me. I want education, but know that doesn’t make Him smart. I want Him to be, or be very capable of, being a good contributor/provider. It just makes things easier when a man feels secure in his ability to do for his intended, and any progeny. I’d prefer Him not to be a Mama’s Boy or suffering from his own set of issues related to his father. Like looking for a man without children, that might be a bit unrealistic since, I’m clearly dealing with my own issues with my parents. With all that…I still mostly want him to want me enough to put me 1st. Who sang it? “I want to want you and I want you to want me too.” Yeah…that.

My boy, Real Talk, can’t stand Vaseline and absolutely must have A/C. It’s a gift left over from his childhood issues of being the shiniest kid on the block and burning up in the Southern heat. We’ve all got them. This happens to be one of mine. Acknowledgment is done. I got that part. Now I just need for somebody to tell me how to move past it. It could be potentially blinding me. Who really has time for self-imposed handicaps? Not me. Can’t wait ‘til I clear this hurdle, knees still intact.

Watch me move.

4 comments:

  1. hey say the truth will set you free.
    Believe it or not, this strong woman actually believes, deep down inside, that she is damaged. She is the product of a an unholy union, the original sin between two college kids who NEVER shoulda been together. I mean something must have been very wrong with her if she could simultaneously be raped AND rejected, 14 years later, right? It makes no sense, really.
    Since then she has tried on some level to connect with people but ultimately, deep down inside she wants you to stay away. Because you will take her heart and squeeze the life-blood out of it...pick the flesh from her bones and then tell her she's nothing. That's your purpose in her life. She knows this secret and acts accordingly.

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  2. I wrote this with me in mind, clearly. & then I saw that you were hurting & for some reason knew that there was something familiar in your unnamed hurt.

    A young woman is singing along with Alicia Keys in the alley behind me. The song is about wild abandon. I want that. I want that for you. Have we ever discussed how truly alike we are? The similar threads in our life stories? There's probably no need. It's spoken silently every time we're around each other. Kindred spirits and all.

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  3. I ALWAYS WANTED SUM 1 TO PUT ME FIRST AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS THEIR WHOLE WORLD I KNO THATS ALOT TO ASK 4 FROM A HUMAN BEING BUT READING THIS BLOG WAS A REMINDER OF WHAT I HAVE NEVER HAD B4 IN A RELATIONSHIP AND HOW ALWAYS PUTTING SUM 1 FIRST IS SOOO DRAINING WHEN ITS NOT RECIPROCATED

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  4. unrequited love is a bitch.
    call me strange, but i think that's easier to deal with than being involved with a person who is telling you 1 thing and doing another, making you KNOW that you aren't 1st in their life. no matter the details, it hurts. plain & simple.

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