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21 more things = 42

The last post was the 21 things I KNOW at 42. At the end I said I'd consider writing 21 more things to make it 42 in total & then ...

Tuesday

Steady As I Go...


This to me is the look of fierce resolve. Read on.

We’ve known each other for 8 years. For years prior we apparently orbited each other, like a planet and her moons, without ever knowing the other existed. We shared mutual friends who were also mutual friends and somehow never connected. I, perhaps naively, believe that things happen as they should, if for no other reason than we actively set them in motion and therefore must deal with the outcomes. A dance class I was afraid to go to and a car accident I could’ve done without put us in each other’s line of vision and a friendship eventually formed.

Yadda yadda yadda…years later we fell in love. HARD.

Well, let me speak for myself. I can’t speak for his experience and it changes, per his words, every time he’s attempted to convey some unnecessary message related to the 2 years we spent together.

During our friendship exclusive days, into the relationship, and the years following, he’s taken the time to recognize my birthday, New Years, and Mother’s Day. Last year, the way I received my birthday wishes felt disrespectful of the time we’d put in as friends, and the role I’d served in his life period. Once I got past feeling like I’d been purse snatched from behind, I started paying attention to what was really going on. The tide was shifting and that notion of us being friends was drifting away with it. My girlfriends told me, when we broke up, that friendship was an insane field for me to try to till so soon after the break up, if ever. I, ridiculously, responded that it wasn’t even a choice for me. It just felt natural. I actually couldn't turn it off and he ate it up with a soup spoon. I can only imagine the snickering that went on behind my back. I can’t say "our" because I’m sure none of his boys, such as they are, questioned the "friendship" because they understand that the man was merely keeping his foot in the door in case he should need some meantime cookie or decide he wants to give it another go. I can at least, with great dignity, say that the cookie stand remained boarded up.

So yeah, life was changing and I had to get with the times. I started an Ignore campaign and without warning cut off all communication. I make no calls. I send no emails or texts. I respond to nothing with his name on it. He’s a fairly quick learner so I only had to ignore him once and it literally gave me a headache to do so. But I got through it, as I have migraines and a concussion. I felt SO GOOD about myself, after the dull ache subsided, and knew I’d made the right decision for myself. What really helped was realizing that just as it appears only 1 of us was actually in the relationship, only 1 of us was in the friendship as well. Continue to hold on for what?

This past Sunday was Mother’s Day, clearly. Initially I wondered if I’d have to ignore his well wishes, perhaps reject the card with the “family’s” endearing words…. I hoped more than anything that he’d just skip me this year. It may sound strange to say, but I went to bed with a great sense of relief when I didn’t have to delete an e-card or text without opening, or ignore a phone call. I never thought I’d feel good about being forgotten because we spend a great deal of time hoping someone…anyone…would acknowledge our hard work, care, time, concern or even the little things like some weight lost or a change of hairstyle. My Mother’s Day gift was the feeling of accomplishment. I could’ve been ignored, as I wished to be, and then actually felt…ignored.

I love when I can identify the moments when my skin stretches for a better fit of my new parts.

Watch me move.

2 comments:

  1. Good stuff. Enjoy the moment of realization. It's always good for the soul.

    ReplyDelete