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Thursday

What Looks Like Blue, When It's Really Only Thursday


This week Today has been one of those days that just got me all up in my feelings and tested my ability to stick and move. I'm usually a quiet member of any staff, choosing instead to sit back and watch the goings on so that I know how to move and don't miss the cue because I was busy running my mouth. I say just enough or speak only when I absolutely cannot stop myself from speaking on whatever craziness has just been spewed. I often question if this is the right move...to be so quiet...in an environment where it's silence that allows us to be mowed over by each boulder dislodged from the mountainside. Since I am not a fan of redundance, I know, based on reading faces, that people are thinking some of the same things I'm thinking and there's no need for me to speak for the sake of hearing the words fall from my lips. My ego, despite what some may think, is just not as big as all'at.

So, today has been one of those days that just got me all up in my feelings and tested my ability to stick and move. I'm allergic to bullshit and I have been wearing a protective suit against it all [school] year, but it seems a hole has worn through my shield and I fell susceptible to the smell and feel of it against my skin. Did you just bristle? That's exactly what I did today--I bristled. I felt the tears, warm and familiar, behind my eyelids as I witnessed the beginning of the internal crumbling under the weight of too many bags of manure. It's hard to feel yourself cracking on the inside, a fissure going this way and that, and watching it outside of yourself. That's where I was today; deep in inner turmoil and trying to stave it off from the outside. Where my expertise comes in is at stifling that which I've determined doesn't have the appropriate space for release. There are no strategically placed bowls, pitchers, or rain catchers to capture my tears before anyone's noticed they've fallen.

I pretended to fill someone else's shoes for part of the morning. I screamed via G-chat to release some of the pressure. I pondered long and hard over a brief communique to one of my higher ups to let them know that know that my silence is by no means acquiescence. I was surprised by an observation on an off day, and tested on my ability to handle 3 year old blocks tumbling one by one, as if on cue, and seemingly on purpose to destroy my snapshot for the day. I tried to shape my feelings into respectful and coherent ideas with the purpose of sharing with the recipient of my communique and maintain professional integrity. I watched my last group for the day be WoWed by the simple things, which reminded me to remember all the reasons I'm thankful for who and where I am. And then I collapsed.

The glee brought about by a game involving a ball reminded me that I'm thankful to have all my appendages. I am healthy. I am loved, even when it's not always by the people I want it to be. I am talented and have plenty that needs to be done with my talents. I have proven myself to myself and I'm pleased with what I learned about me in the process. It will happen again, and I hope to be pleased again. My grandmother is 80 and still here. My friends are spread far and wide, but they ARE. My mother didn't make wrong turns to negatively affect my physical or intellectual development. Not all my students will be able to say that. I am able to provide for myself and do. I have a lot of laughter in my life. Allergies have calmed down, leaving me free to actually smell flowers; an underrated activity. I will get to see Little Brother's final show before they morph into their next incarnation. I got accepted to the DC Area's Writers Camp for the summer and will receive 6 graduate credits for 5 weeks worth of intense work that I want to do. I have identified dessert spots on the East Coast that I will try (shout out to Brown Betty's Dessert Boutique in Philly
I could go on and on. This exercise was just about trying to lift a little of the blue that I've been wearing like a cloak all week day. Not everything is as I would want it to be. It is because of that that I am still in motion, affecting change on my own behalf each day. I learn something new about something, including myself, on a daily basis and I'm proud of that. Those that dealt me lemons didn't know I used to bring them to [high]school and suck on them each morning before the 1st bell. I am used to bitter and have learned to just add sugar when necessary and turn each thing into something I can gain from.

Even if the only person I ever impress is me, I can say I am a super woman. I AM SUPERWOMAN.

Watch me move.

2 comments:

  1. I tend to take the same approach during meetings, but today I couldn't take it anymore. While I could really give a crap about the changes, I felt my colleagues and I were being disrespected. I beat the more seasoned hell-raisers to the punch and spoke out. And then left and had my grits, potatoes and turkey sausage that I been searching high and low for this morning. Food over foolishness...that's my motto these days:-)

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  2. Congrats on the writer's workshop, you def. have a gift, keep musing, keep expressing!

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