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21 more things = 42

The last post was the 21 things I KNOW at 42. At the end I said I'd consider writing 21 more things to make it 42 in total & then ...

Wednesday

Searching For Tomorrow


“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”


A year ago I felt my life moving, almost seismically. I read it as the re-birth of an old journey, picking up the torch—or the pen, as it was—and rocking with this thing deep inside me. I had put it down in pursuit of more technical skills, finalizing career aspirations and such. When you come here with something it will only be ignored for a time and then it busts through all barriers, real or imagined, and stands prominently at the forefront to force you to acknowledge it and nurture it. We can continue to ignore if we choose, but we’ve seen how that works out. I give you Whitney Houston.

I had all these ideas brewing, and still do, but managed not to pay attention to the other movement taking place inside me. Lately I’ve been having allergic reactions to damn near everything happening around me. I have a general feeling of “over it!” right now. The people, the places, the things. I know these routines and I realize that there’s so much that I do practically in my sleep. That’s a problem. There are aspects of my life that I don’t even feel I should be awake for. Beyond it being a problem, it’s fuckin’ scary.

So, something’s gotta give. I know the give is going to be in my address. It doesn’t feel like dissatisfaction with the side of town I’m on. I’m cool over here. I need to be somewhere else, learning some new routes to and fro. I need to be someplace where I’m forced to book flights to visit my family. My fears? I’ve already got family [& friends] I have to fly to get to and don’t. They live in places I don’t want to be in or in ways I don’t want to be a direct part of. I also recognize that I have certain needs that MUST be met. I need access to the arts. I must be able to go see theater, not no chit’lin circuit stage plays, and take regular African dance classes with a teacher worth the fee. I must be near places that offer some cultural input. I need to live in a city that has an African-American male population that isn’t majority homosexual. I’m not discriminating, but as a hetero female, it would just be pointless to be living on such an island. I need to be somewhere that my traveling friends wouldn’t mind touching down at. No point in using frequent flier miles to sit up in my living room watching cable or going to the lounge/pub on the Polack side of town. Restaurant Week can't be where I get a book of coupons in my mailbox to the 3 Chinese Take-out spots. There are a few other things but you get the point.

As I accept that my life is driving me to drive away from Chocolate City, I have to face a few other fears. My child will be 13 this year. I don’t want to be away from her, leaving the role of Go-to to anyonesomeone else. As she gets more mobile, I want to be near enough for her to find me on her own when she needs me. I want to be close by to help meet my mother’s needs. As her health continues to present challenges to her mobility and tending to her basic needs, it feels more important to be here. At the same time, having watched her do the same for her mother, I remember the bilious change in her while taking on that responsibility. I don’t look forward to having to figure out assuming full responsibility for her. I will, but I’m honest about not wanting to. I don't look forward to having more than a 2 hour drive between me and the bestie, but he's proven he's willing to fly for his loved ones (toothy grin). There are 1 or 2 others I don’t want to walk away from, fearing a life of isolation. My easygoing, make a new friend on the playground days seem to be behind me. I find appreciation for people but rarely run across people I really want to be friends with. I’m kinda over managing the personalities of others. At the same time, I don’t want to live in isolation. Perhaps the change would force me to reactivate something else in me that would make it possible to create a new cadre of good folks.

Yes, I’m scared, but I think the unknown is calling me because the known has lulled me right to sleep. Now, to figure out where to go and when to go there.

*deep breath...bowing my head in reverence...prayin on it*

Watch me move.

3 comments:

  1. wow. wow, could not have put it better. Time for a change, right? But I think I'm headed back to DC. Atlanta feels so much like what you just described, I don't think I'm living, just going through the motions. And sometimes, I think DC will feel that way for me also. I especially like the line that said you need a place where most of the men are not homosexual. Where might that be I wonder? Sigh.... I think i need to leave this country.

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  2. even though i haven't done all there is to do in the A, i've visited enough to know pretty positively that it's NOT the move for me. i actually don't even enjoy the visits the way i used to. i'm not sure anyplace in the country is going to move me. i have dreams of living abroad as well. america's so narrow. i just need to do something totally different, make my self uncomfortable & cultivate something else inside.

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  3. beautifully said. I've been feeling a lot of the same lately. I just need something new. My fondest moments are when I was on the edge of or in the thick of self-discovery and I honestly feel no tjust that light, but the interest dwindling. I need something new. Not just shoes (though God knows they get me through the short term..LOL) but a life change. keep me posted on you sis.

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