Worry does not empty tomorrow of sorrow—it empties today of strength.Jimmie Malone
Church for me is for weddings and funerals. My parents defected from the Baptist gang as young people so there was no set-claimin’ in my household. Don’t pray for my heathen soul just yet: I am a spiritual woman who DOES believe in a higher power and the interconnectedness of all things.
I’ve been to church at the request of friends two or three times in the last 3 years and was able to hear and feel the messages delivered. I can’t quote from the Bible, don’t know too many hymns on first note or title alone, but I can recognize when someone is making sense. I gathered from those occasions that the reason people go to church ev’ry Sundee is for the discipline of routine/habit, especially when times are rough. People need something to believe in.
I’m trying to identify just that right now. It’s less about what I believe in, because I think I’m clear on that, but who believes in me and how much of what they say can I believe to be truth? This past week ended with what felt like drama at first, until I called the person I need to defuse me. The temperature was rising quickly in response to some out-of-the-blue, this-shit-can’t-be-true, is-this-a-mistake type bull. First came the rapid blinking, then the lonely side-eye (no one was there to receive it), followed by maniacal laughter (‘cuz the people I work for are genius at their brand of comedy), and rounded off by “wait a goddamn minute! Somebody’s gonna have to help me understand this!” Two unanswered phone calls went down and on the 3rd I connected to a colleague who has been to the same comedy show I have. I did some incoherent babbling, she responded the best way she could and then I decided silence would be best. I had to channel the concept of church inside me and go within. See, when someone’s playing with your present, it affects your future. Control freak that I am, I didn’t appreciate this feeling AT ALL. The few I’ve shared it with second that it’s not just my control issues but the way things are being handled are effed up.
Right about this time, the Diffuser returned my initial frantic call. Flabbergasted himself, after hearing the story and connecting it with past information, he set in to dismantle me and the situation so that I didn’t set anything or anyone ablaze. My emotions run HOT and I know it is NOT my forte to think rationally through certain kinds of situations. With years worth of experience under his belt trying to prevent my crashNburn, he knew just what to do. Crazed energy refocused, I was able to address this situation in a way that respectfully made it clear that it sounds like purest cut of mistake you can find on the streets and gives me an opportunity to remain calm until the mistake is acknowledged and cleaned up or confirmed as truth. Either way, I can’t make a move until I know specifically what I’m dealing with. Oh, and by the way, I requested some damn specifics in the response for just that purpose. For now, I ain’t gon’ worry, not even about the fact that 2 [non] business days have gone by with no reply. I’m gon’ do me regardless.
*NO DISRESPECT DISCLAIMER*
I’ve been tunneling deep within these last few days. I won’t be breaking out the Old Testament (couldn’t anyway, don’t own a Bible), pouring libation, or meditating. I’m not going to activate my Chi or break into ancient chants while trying to get a crystal to find balance. I KNOW what to do and what I CAN handle. I’ve discovered that I can handle this proposed change just as I was prepared to handle the original proposed change that comes on the heels of last years change.
Do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain.
I zip-lined last weekend. It’s symbolic more than anything else. Tomorrow I’ll be white water rafting though I cannot swim. Before the end of the summer I anticipate I WILL make it downtown for that trapeze class. Why the hell not? I’m crossing things off my Bucket List (revised edition to come soon) and stepping up to try new things both considered and not. I feel invigorated by this sense of adventure, even though I still suffer from a more immediate boredom with my surroundings. I’m working on it though. This latest detour on my path, in my perhaps naïve opinion, will only make me stronger as it continues to build my expertise. Right now though, I’m an expert in professional resilience.
…if I could just find someone to pay me to teach that…
I WILL NOT sit still while this confusion works to settle itself. I am enjoying my friends and family immensely and I’m adding them to my concept of church—make laughter and joy and good times with good people routine. I will be feeding my spirit and strengthening my resolve in this manner, I will be so full that no matter what comes my way via the Clean Up conversation I will be ready to face it head on. And in true Grace Under Fire fashion, I will look good while I’m doing it.
Watch me move.