Ok…so I guess the trend is here to stay for a while. The media’s going to camp out in the front yards of black women & remind us at every turn just how eff’d up it is out here for us. If I was smart, I’d be out here trying to capitalize off of it, writing some trite azz book called, Ain’t No Men, Ain’t No Marriage, Ain’t No Hope; or Dildos When the Dudes Ain’t Dialin’. I’m jes’sayin. Sigh… Never fear though. Da Lawd hath sent us down a messenger of hope. Praise him!!
Steve Harvey already spread his angelic wings and blessed us with Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. A bunch of us girls (NOT including me) went on 90-day holds to get to know the men we were interested in. Anyway, it seems the advice was somewhat incomplete. The Black Women’s Dating For Mating Bible was missing a few verses. Well, yeah. Duh!!! How else would he sell a 2nd book if he loosed all the blessings at once? In case you were still stuck in your hold tryna figure out what comes next, you’ve been rescued. Mr. Harvey, expert in all black male behaviors, follows up the 1st with Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man.
*jumping up & down* THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Uncle Steve has some pocket-size advice for us.
10 Ways To Tell If He’s The One:
Steve says: He takes you to his place of worship.
I say: This is assuming that ALL black people go to church, the mosque, a temple, meditate in a poppy field, or rain dance at least once a week. Not so true. This is just my choice, but I don’t want a man beatin’ me down with the Jesus Schtick. I have a value system, a moral code, but choose not to participate in organized religion. Does that mean I am not deserving of companionship should I want some?
Steve says: He thinks about you when you’re away and still thinks about you when you’re near.
I say: I can rock with this 1, Uncle Steve. Thanks for making #2 a lot less exclusive.
Steve says: He allows you to help pick out his wardrobe. Any man who wears matching outfits is totally committed because he has lost all his friends’ respect.
I say: I say no to thee, Sir. I am NOT interested in the punk man who’ll allow me to make him dress like me. I’m kinda partial to a man with his own sense of style. I’m willing to help fine tune it, if necessary, but I damn sure don’t want us steppin’ out looking like we’re going to the amusement park as a couple circa 1994. I am also NOT interested in a man who has lost the respect of everyone he knows. That means he gotta be with me all’a’time. I frown upon this.
Steve says: He gives you a nickname he can’t allow his friends to hear, like Schmoogles. Trust me, he knows full well that as soon as his friends hear that, they’ll know he’s sprung and that’s what they’ll call him every time they see him.
I say: I get where you’re going with this, but I think most grown women are good to go with something simple like, Baby. I don’t need to be embarrassed by a pet name any more than he should be embarrassed for using it. Let us not equate corny with love. I’m down with nicknames, but the kind that may cause us to have to catch wreck in the street when someone hears it used & tries to clown. Plus, Schmoogles, sounds too close to the name of the malnourished tortured guide of those Hobbits from The Lord of the Rings chasing the precious. That’s just creepy.
Steve says: He puts making you happy ahead of his own happiness.
I say: Amen corner. If he’s busy making me happy & I’m busy making him happy, all bases are covered. Yes, I’m down. Except…my grandmother taught me to be a little more secure in my joys, because happiness tends to be ‘bout as fleeting as relationships in the Twenny10. Don’t put your happiness in the hands of another, but appreciate the things they do to contribute & be clear when they become detractors so you can pack their bags for them.
Steve says: He’s seen you without your hair and makeup and still keeps calling.
I say: Is that where we are now? All black women supposedly remove their hair hats in the evening & air ‘em out on the mannequin head? I’ve never referred to my hair by number or color. & are we all blowing ½ our checks at the MAC counter or in Sephora? I must be behind the times or ahead of the game ‘cuz this just ain’t my reality or that of many of the women I know. You will have to sleep next to me in my satin scarf to keep my rows & twists in place, or perhaps wake up next to me with my fro leanin’ but it’s all mine. & no, there’ll never be makeup smudged on your pillow cases.
Steve says: He’s met your entire family and is still willing to attend the family reunion.
I say: Perhaps. You might have me on that 1. E’rybody’s family is dysfunctional & based on the brands we come from, it’s hard sometimes to stomach another family’s brand. Sending a loving side-eye to B.B. ‘cuz….lawd, y’all scary.
Steve says: He knows your kids are crazy and ill-mannered but loves you anyway.
I say: Cotdayum, Uncle Steve, with the stereotypes. I’m black so I must be a wig wearing single mom, raising Bebe’s Kids, only breaking on Sundays to attend to the His Holiness Greater Mount Cavalry Rock of Gibraltar Wind Beneath My Wings Church of Our Lawd & Savior. We don’t all have, nor necessarily want, children. & for those of us that have ‘em, lets not just jump out there & assume they’re the kind of kids that will make a man go & seek salvation & comfort at the aforementioned place of worship.
Steve says: He’s seen your mother in action and still thinks you can make it as a couple.
I say: Here we go again. My mama ain’t crazy
Steve says: He allows you to meet his entire family, realizing this could change everything.
I say: Given. & if I’ve introduced him to my Children of the Corn, taken him to the insane asylum that is the family reunion, hung out at church with him, shown him my bald scalp & intro’d him to my hood mama, I need to be meeting somebody. This has made for too much lopsided sharing on my part (as in the black woman) as it is. It’s time for this gentleman to give up the ghost.
If Steve Harvey’s advice just secured you the 1st love interest you’ve been able to claim in the last decade, rescuing your drying love, do know I’m just poking fun. I’m not saying that he doesn’t make some valid points. Perhaps there are some of us who need this more to get by & I should be sending Uncle Steve a thank you card instead of being persnickety. But…sometimes I enjoy being persnickety just to be able to say the word. Happy reading.
Watch me move.