Sooooooo....last night was a shameful representation of a Sunday night in the life of Ndygo. It doesn't happen often, but there are times when foolywang completely rules the roost. All in 1 night, I managed to be caught, not only watching TV, but watching BAD TV. We went from Star Wars Episode IV to 16 & Pregnant, followed by Fantasia For Real, & rounding it off with the Soul Train Music Awards.
The award show left me with a few questions that I absolutely MUST get off my chest. Perhaps you've got the answers...perhaps not, but I've gotta ask.
1. WHY THE HELL does the Soul Train Music Awards even exist? Soul Train is in syndication, it went off a few years ago. Honestly, the “hippest trip in America” had turned into “the longest road trip ever” with its slew of whack hosts introducing us to artists we just could care less about, even less interested in watching them lip sync. Beyond that, & even more to the point, any show that employs Shemar Moore should be snatched off the air post & haste. & so it was. But why, I ask, is the show not even back but its award show...is? Wait, did Soul Train even have an award show before it got cut?
2. WHO is on the production team? Have these people ever actually produced a time-bound show before? Were there no rehearsals to inform the necessary time limits for performers? & why did you book more performers than there was time for? It was just rude to invite folks to perform & then not only cut them short but play them for the seat fillers while the audience went to the bathroom during commercial breaks. Folks that got caught up in this madness include Gyptian, Eric Benet, & others.
3. Moving from the stage, lets go to the seats. What intern handled the tickets and seating? There appeared to be far more Average Joes & Josephines occupying seats closest to the stage while Ray J, We Da Best (DJ Khaled), & India Arie seemed to have a spot in the nose bleeds. Perhaps it was BET/Centric's way of letting know they're not relevant on their scene. That doesn't make sense though because Tank actually made it on stage—though during commercials--& Ginuwine got to be a presenter & we ALL KNOW ain't no black folks checkin' for them in the Twenny10.
4. A'ight...I don't have a segueway for this question but uhhmmmm....WHO IN THE HAS BEEN HELL decided that those Sisters With Voices were in any condition to be seen on TV? Someone neglected to tell them that they are Sisters With Choices. As in: choose to just say no to 1'mo piece of fried chicken; choose to say no to vinyl outfits; choose NO to yacky #6; REFUSE eyelashes that match your hair that match a white woman's hair that none of you has grown. In the end, I know folks are just tryna remain relevant, & when you've become Sisters With Nooses
5. Speaking of which.... Raven Simone...dearest Olivia, don't you have wavy hair? Please explain the 80 feet of strawberry blonde Rapunzel-esque hair you had cascading over your shoulders. Were you attempting to rescue audience members trying to climb up from the floor to escape the whackness of the show? Or did Taraji's stylist (used loosely) decide to practice on you 1st before setting you both up & sending you out in public looking a corn silk Cabbage Patch mess??
6. That leads me to the Ah-Rah. Kelly that is. His latest song, the title of which I won't bother to look up for the purpose of this post, just reminds me of a Happy Days moment with all the gang sucking down root beer floats at the diner wearing poodle skirts & leather jackets. Did someone say “Ayyy?” Apparently that was the feel Kels was going for because that's exactly what happened on stage—minus the white teens in high waters & hair pomade. That wasn't the only appearance of the Pied Piper of R&B. The man reappeared later, dressed as a bottle of Crown Royal (loogidup if you didn't get that eemeejetly), in the tribute to Ronald Isley. My question is, talented songwriter aside (despite how you may feel 'bout the lyrics), when did we decide that we re-approve of R. Kelly? Or am I the only person who decided Iaingonfuggwidhimnomo after all that sex with minors business? Y'all still wanna Black List Chris Brown for being young & dating someone in his age range & getting involved in some learned behavior, but you'll forgive R. Kelly who gave you fiddy-leven chapters of deviant sexual relationships AFTER being accused of his own sexual deviant behaviors. “That's okay, Baby...you ain't mean no harm makin' water on that girl. They musta had lead you astray with fake ID's & leading you directly to da devil's do'step.” Givin' all y'all the “fickle azz ninjas” side-eye for that 1.
7. This ain't gon' be a question. #7 is gonna just wrap up a few of the things that I don't have questions about but that need to be briefly acknowledged. Taraji P. & Terrence H. I am Over. You. Your skits are not funny anymore. Your wardrobes don't work. Taraji's weave has a mind of it's own. & whomsoever convinced Terrence that he should do choreography of ANY kind needs to have his parking space rescended & catch a Homie D. Clown style beat down in front of everyone. Chante Moore...you're still my girl but black thigh high tights (?) are NOT your friend when wearing a sheer nude crotch low dress. Erykah Badu is a bad-azz chick. However, I DO NOT forgive you for wearing a stocking cap at an awards show or in public at all. Chrisette Michelle, I love you too. I do not love your stylist. You've appeared on too many shows wearing 'fits that just do not agree with your physique. Thick girls unite against fashion faux pas. Lastly, Ms. Anita Baker, as much as I love you, I cannot support your commitment to black lace this many years later. & your signature hair style appears to be on strike. Give them both free & update your everything. I'll refrain from speaking on some of the choices for Ms. Baker's tribute. Some made sense, & others not so much. I won't belabor that point. I'll move on now to the end because, like I said, I grow bored of this. & it's really only happening for T. Urbana & she better freaking appreciate it.
8. Finale. Literally & figuratively. Ronald Isley. Mr. Bigg. The most recognizable Isley Brother has been released from prison after serving time for tax evasion. Before going in, I assume, that old rooster found a spring chicken to hold down his hen house. I still don't know whether the chicken or the egg comes first but I do wanna know who clucked at who initially? Honestly, as a young woman myself, I can't imagine Ronald Isley rollin' up on me with his pompadour, his MAC foundation, & his gold-knobbed cane & feel like my future just introduced himself. Well, apparently, the young Chicken Tender felt fire & desire for Mr. Bigg or maybe he gave her the account number for where he stashed all the duckets he managed not to give the IRS. Whatever it takes to lay your feathers down (pun #1) between the sheets (pun #2). Old is 1 thing, but old & rich must be something else. I clearly look at things through the wrong side-eye. I must be getting beside myself, having standards & isht, countin' out all these lames who just might be able to... I can't even complete the sentence. Well, Chicken Tender gave birth to a Chicken Nugget. The 2 of them, plus the Old Rooster are 1 big happy family. Love him now Lil Nugget...he might don't make it to your high school graduation. Not wishin' ill on the man but I'm jessayin.
Stay tuned for BET to deliver to you the most relevant moments in the history of >African America over the last 30 years. In case you missed it, you'll discover the impact of the crack epidemic, OJ Simpson, & Rap Snacks on your life. Pour your glass of Sutter Home & get prepared to know thyself.
Watch me move.