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Tuesday

Boyfriend For Life?


From time to time I like to kick my feet up over at Naked With Socks On. On one such occasion I ran across this & was hit off with some food for thought.

The gist of it is, IMO, that when you reach a certain age the approach to relationships changes. And it should. In our youth, the things that attract us to a companion are somewhat nomadic—subject to move at any time. LL Cool J's song Big Ole Butt is an example of how fleeting our desires are in our youth. A relationship could be sparked based on a beautiful smile, a big ole butt, or the way a certain someone says the word “basketball” in his Dominican accent. Then we start to move toward people who don't bore us to tears in conversation, sometimes holding out for that person to also be considered attractive or reserving those people that truly stimulate us for the Friend Zone because the idea of sleeping with them just doesn't lick at our loins. Ya feel me? Our attractions make a variety of shifts as we mature & the things we deem important for or in relationships shifts as well.

As a 35 year old young woman, I'm constantly faced with societal expectations, my own desires, & how those things mesh with the choices around me. If you're not new to these parts, you know that to be in a relationship or not to be in a relationship is rarely my question. This has been a most necessary & glorious period in my life where my focus has been selfishly about me. I haven't been oblivious to the goings on outside my window as I've been about the business of courting me. I've had a crush or 2 that only shone a spotlight on the fact that I didn't have the patience to be bothered with these Lowest Common Denominator Dudes smiling in my direction. No thank you! I'm about quality & not quantity & promised myself I wouldn't be bothered with any meantime business. Once or twice when feeling pressured by the whispers in my ear about how hard I am on cats, I buckled & allowed someone in my space in an attempt to see potential that had been pointed out to me. A no go. I'm no actress. Make believe ain't my favorite game.

Even as a woman who is not out here chasing diamonds & platinum, looking for forever in every Raheem, Tyrone, & Malik out there, my approach to dating has matured with me. I had boyfriends when I was in high school & college. The things we did together were focused on fun, with a little support built in but not required. If you had it to give... Now, when a man crosses my path, there has to be an attraction deeper than girlfriend & boyfriend. I'm too old mature for that. Is He able to stimulate my intellect; does his mind move me? Is his sexy deeper than the way he looks? Does He broaden my outlook on the world? Does He encourage me to try new things? Are we in tune; does He get me? Are my challenges too much for him & are his too much for me? Does the way He moves through life cause me to feel insecure or empowered? Is He able to move me past myself, knowing when to listen to me & when to ignore me for my own good? Does He inspire my femininity to surface more than my Super Woman Cape? Can I be comfortably open & revealed—naked--in His presence? Is He passive, passive aggressive or can he hold his own? Can He handle decision-making? Does he come with his own dreams & goals? Does He just make me chuckle or can he make me laugh? & most importantly, can I stomach his feet when his socks are off? Real talk.

As I said before, I'm not chasing rings. The term life partner seems to have been commandeered by the gay community, but it's the concept I most identify with. I'm not so worried about if I have a wedding to be remembered by friends & family. I'm not so worried about being able to call myself Mrs. So & So. Ultimately, I just want to be with someone who fits the above criteria (& a few other things I've deliberately left out) & is ready to walk this cobblestone with me. I'm looking for that man who recognizes the value in interdependence & can remind me of it. I know the fairy tale is just that & everyday ain't gon' be good. There's nothing more beautiful to me than the idea of walking with that 1 person for so long that you create your own rhythm & language. “I love you” gets said in myriad ways that almost make the words obsolete. I want to be able to be out here making mistakes with someone who won't run at the first sign of ebb when he's used to things being all about the flow. Beneath the sand is often water. Can He be thirsty with me for a little bit?

It may seem contradictory for me not to be a relationship-driven woman but to be focused in knowing what I want out of 1. If I see it, I'm going for it. If not...I'm OK as I am. Settling is a dirty word to me. While I'm not deluded, looking for perfection, I deserve to approach relationships, searching for the Greatest Common Denominator Dude. Like I said--35. Too old mature to be auditioning every man who feigns interest. I have to be serious. My experiences up til now have done what I needed them to do for the weed-out process. I know off the bat when I'm about to watch a movie I've already seen. No need to waste time. I'll know when I've met him and I'll wake up smiling his name each time I greet the sun.

Boyfriends need not apply.

Watch me move.

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