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Holiday Love To The Ladies & Their Lotuses

It's Kwanzaa Time! It's Kwanzaa Time!

Watch what I do here...

Today, you will learn a couple 2...3...things. I grew up on Kwanzaa. My family didn't jump ship on Christmas after I'd been here a few years, I was born into Kwanzaa. As I learned to talk I was taught to spell my name & to spell Kwanzaa. Kay. Double you. Ay. En. Zee. Ay. Ay. My father is friends with Dr. Karenga, he's stayed in our home & married my father to my other mother. My little sister was born on the 6th day of Kwanzaa & has that principle as 1 of her middle names. I grew up on African-centered schools, Mamas & Babas as my extended family, Malcolm over Martin, & Kwanzaa.

So, today, friends & readers, I say to you, Kujichagulia, Habari Gani--today's greeting. For those who don't know, there are 7 principles Kwanzaa is built on. They are:
Umoja- Unity
Kujichagulia- Self Determination
Ujima-Collective Work & Responsibility
Ujamaa-Cooperative Economics

You can get widdit, right? For those of you who've said ign'ant isht to me about Kwanzaa being Ni&&a Christmas, I hit you over the head with a kinara these principles. Today is the 2nd day of Kwanzaa, hence the greeting above, & part of the focus of where I'm headed today.

I'm scrolling through the “news” feed on Facebook last week. This brotha (as in not mine) was posting a string of updates addressed to women or about women & sex. By the time he got to this 1, I was tired:
talking to my sisters-if you give it up on the first night-we prolly aint gonna wife you. it was too easy. a queen will make you earn it.

I decided, against my better judgment to get into some collective work & take responsibility for challenging archaic views—aka a conversation—about this topic. Ujima. See, I was disturbed by this gross generalization related to how [black] women will be penalized based on their sexual choices. His comment suggests that [black] women should all fear their own natural desires, & MUST ignore them if they wish or expect to EVER be chosen as a mate, lifelong or otherwise.

My most immediate question: who the uckf are you to be out here making decisions for my vagina?

I excluded my own from the conversation, rarely speaking of myself, & began to challenge how is it that some men are still penalizing & denigrating women for engaging in the EXACT SAME sexual act they just engaged in. If a man engages in intercourse with a woman, how is she somehow left with the FULL weight of having had intercourse?

It seemed like he was attempting to suggest that women should treasure their “lotus,” his word, not mine, more & be a lot more...protective of it, recognizing the weight that some men put on virginal women or just women with 2 or fewer sexual partners. I think. All I wanted to know is if a woman's vagina is somehow tainted because it has come in contact with a man's penis, is his penis not tainted as well? There are SO MANY places I can go with the lines of questioning provided by this erroneous original post. In the end, it turned into the longest Facebook conversation I've ever had, some 90 plus posts where mostly women & a couple men vollied about how women are sometimes viewed in a patriarchal society.

The truth is, I don't argue these points because I'm fighting for women to just be out here having sex all willy nilly, getting their proverbial rocks off just because men can. My goal is to actually have men & women come together in discussion to find agreement as necessary. It's only really necessary when men & women are considering each other seriously. All of what we do should be safe, protecting against life threatening diseases & lifestyle changing children—taking care not to take on anything we aren't ready for. A person's sexuality is their business & it is unfair for me to make a decision about the value or sacredness of a woman's vagina before she can make a decision about it. Not every woman is out here searching for her Prince Charming, not all are interested in families, & some are just VERY in tune with their sexual urges & comfortable addressing them, so to speak, in whatever ways they deem right for them.

I made it possible for my friends list to lurk about the conversation if they chose, as I wondered if I'm crazy for thinking that it's every woman's call what she does with her “lotus.” Of my lurking friends was my father. He & I had a wonderful conversation about the dude's original post being QUITE limited. My own father, the person who's supposed to help his daughters make good decisions about how to proceed with men, offered that he knows several men who've slept with a woman on a 1st date & are still sleeping with those women many years later. I don't offer this to say that we should all say “eff it” & jump out in the streets ready to put the whammy on THAT man that we've been hoping would wife us up. It's been included because the truth of the matter is adults often find themselves at a point where the physical speaks VERY LOUDLY & must be responded to. It doesn't mean that those same 2 people will choose not to speak to each other using their other voices after doing the Grown Up. The other thing is, a 1st date can come in a variety of forms. You could have met a week ago or 3 years ago & just deciding when to officially go & DO SOMETHING together. & let us not forget the times when 2 people simply are at a loss for words & use the language of sensuality turned sex to express their pent up feelings for one another.

Sex is a language. It's up to the people having it to decide what message they're sending & RECEIVING from each other. A woman might truly wish to say, “I've been watching you from a far & the fever you've given me is going to take me over if I don't do something about it NOW.” She could be saying, “MannnnLissen...you better come get this pu$$y!” She could be saying, “I've loved you & will continue to & I want you to hear it from both my mouths.” Or anything you may be thinking right now. The point: human sexuality is not just about the organs themselves. Sex, 1st & foremost is about procreation, continuing lifelines. It's mammalian. Hell, it's cellular. The ways that humans have deevolved to having sex involves that other organ—the human brain. It has added things to sex that may or may not have been intended for it, clouding our interactions with each other. Since I doubt we'll be unlearning that any time soon, we just have to be clear & forthright about our perspectives, needs & desires. & we gotta know it's OK to pass up on people who don't quite match our sexual philosophies in favor of those who will continue to respect us no matter whether our “lotus” has never blossomed or whether it has blossomed for many seasons. Essentially, let women define themselves, instead of being defined by others. Kujichagulia.

The conversation began to wind down with the dude asking what he should tell his hypothetical daughter? Should he tell her to abstain or not? With a 13 year old daughter looking me in my face I would say this to Ms. September:

Baby Girl, you've been educated about the physiological aspects of your vagina. Soon, if not now, you'll begin getting curious about sex & your own sexuality. Be aware that these are the years where boys will say or do anything in order to smell the fabled Kitty. Sex can be highly charged with great emotion, depending on how you feel about who's trying to lay you down, or it can be highly charged with the confusion accompanying out of control hormones. Don't confuse your body with your heart & know that before you get ready to have sex you should be able to distinguish the feelings of 1 from the feelings of the other. Consider whether you are prepared to watch his back once you give in to these urges. If you feel as though your world will change with him no longer in it, you need to be very clear about BOTH of your intentions—whether they involve a relationship or are simply about sex. No one can tell you what to do with your own vagina but do know there are traps awaiting you that can snag your body, your mind, & your heart. You will know when you are ready if you quiet the outside voices & remember that if you are unable to discuss your intentions with your potential partner, he shouldn't be your potential partner.

I could be wrong, but we can't live our children's lives for them, only give them the best of what we know & point them in the direction of the things we don't & hope they have the good sense to investigate, research, question for themselves before making any monumental decisions. In the end, I just want her to know that the power is in her hands, & let NO MAN put a price on her goods. We aren't for sale out here—unless we're in the oldest profession--& we determine what we do, how we do it, & who we do it with. To the fellas I say, worry about your own penises. To the ladies, I say make wise choices but let your choices be your own. & to all of you I wish you Happy Humping.

Except Ms. September! It ain't your time yet!!

Watch me move.

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