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Tuesday

Yesterday Still Applies



Note: this was written yesterday & these issues are still maddening, but I must acknowledge that today was much smoother. Carry on.

It's been 1 of those days. For the last...3 months. I feel like I'm living Groundhog's Day, continuing to wake up in the same zoo cage every morning that classifies as a weekday. Any number of events have taken place causing me to reassess, damn near by the minute, whether I need to hang up on my calling. So, you guessed it, I'm about to vent.

1 of the things I'm confused by is the new-aged child who stands in the faces of adults as though s/he is 1 & commences to read said adults like the books they don't bother to pick up. I was present yesterday as a young man blatantly disregarded the instructions of a teacher, & when his entry to the classroom was blocked, the child bucks & says, "GET OFF ME, BOY!"...to a grown man. A big grown man. A big grown man with a lot of bass in his voice & who has clearly put a foot or 2 in the asses of his own sons. I, as a teacher the student likes, was able to corral the situation & get him back under control, but beneath my cool was the horror that a child just had NO CLUE how you talk to an adult--even 1 you're mad at.

For the last few weeks I've been listening, from the other side of my classroom door, to the sounds of 10 & 11 year old children shouting all kinds of random expletives up & down the hall. ...The same hall that is never clear of children who haven't figured out, nor taken heed to reminders, that they belong in class. I began cursing in the 6th grade, flexing my muscle, pretending to be grown & minimally independent. But I knew very clearly who my mother was & made sure that it was only done on the back route to school with friends, in ear shot of NO ADULTS. I keep that in mind as I tell these children that it's not so much wrong that they think & say certain things as it is that they're oblivious to time & place appropriateness. Apologetic gasps followed by, "oops, I'm so sorry," does nothing for me. & I remind them that they aren't, those words were pointed, they're simply sorry they've been busted. A difference. Am I doing a disservice with kind of honesty? Dunno. But I have to pick my battles & trying to tell people not to do something they do is a waste of time. Getting them hip to where things definitely shouldn't be done is a lot easier to do. Awareness. Can you grow that?

I've had a conversation that needs to be held, suppressed barely beneath the surface of my composure. Thin as the membrane of an onion is the restraint I have, keeping me from speaking to 1 of my supervisors. This membrane grows thinner by the day as I amenably stretch in a million & 1 directions, but the grime left on me after a ridiculous year of mudslinging is becoming too heavy for me continue to prevent breaking. Know thy self is my thing. As a reflective person, I'm very clear about what I do & getting better at identifying how & why. While sitting & listening to what I'll just refer to as genuine bullshit (as in people believe it when they say it), I was trembling with the remembrance of this same person, now trying to do damage control, contributed to the very climate in which me & my colleagues work. I know that when I cannot guarantee self control that it's best to keep my mouth shut. By I only tremble when the truth is scary but MUST be told. Not all membranes break, some shrivel & dry, but either way, exposure is imminent.

Worrying over things you cannot change is a waste of time. Even in knowing this, I am embarrassed to admit that I am guilty of this. I'm still connected to the students I had last year & feeling responsible for their success or failure this year. They're gone from me, somewhat more narcissistic than before, & I can't seem to shake the notion that they are mine & therefore my work isn't over. I take personally every truth told about their abilities, as though I alone birthed them, reared them & taught them...& perhaps failed them.

This exercise is ridiculous. I'm feeling beat up & beating myself up at the same time. My sensitivities have me feeling as though people who may NOT be throwing jabs, are. All I know is that my emotions are swollen & I need the next couple of weeks standing between me & a break to move along at a good clip & get out of the way. Cuz this madness is making it hard to hang on to my golden moments.

Dusting off some lounge chairs. It's time for some people, places & things to SADDOWN, but I want them to get real comfortable so they stay seated & let me be.

Watch me move.

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