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Horrendous Holiday Mistakes

This has been on my mind since midnight January 1 & I've got to let it out before I run up on 1 of you & just throat chop you.

When the New Year rolls in...there's only 1. None of that happy new yearS business; it really is just ONE new year. I see where you got confused. It's that whole New Year's Eve business & the complete misunderstanding of the apostrophe. Seriously, someone should make the album. I have more than enough examples to cut 10 solid tracks that could all go triple exclamation point--but that's because I know how to use punctuation. Back to the clarifying.

When it's New Year's Eve it just means that the Eve is of the New Year. It's the day before, not the day itself. When you get to the actual day, it is New Year's Day because the day itself is attributed to the New Year, being the 1st day and all. But that only refers to the days, individually. A year, in & of itself, is a collection of days. 365 to be exact. Therefore, the days have already been pluralized into 1 singular year. Are you with me so far? I hope so, because this needs to fall by the wayside & not happen next year.

As I was saying, when the new year rolls around, on January 1st of any year, it's just the 1 year. This year happens to be 2012, not all the years that came before it, or even the most recent past year. It's really just the 1. I promise. So, when you greet friends & family, all exuberant (loogidup) about a fresh start, the proper greeting is HAPPY NEW YEAR!! & then you can proceed to clank all the glasses of champipple you choose.

That said, I feel like it's early enough for me to address another holiday mistake that many of you make.

Sweet Baby Heart Shaped Choco Jesus sent down his angel, Cupid, to bestow upon you the gift of love. & how do you repay his chilly diapered self? By mispronouncing the holiday that sets him free to flutter about shooting arrows legally & with good cause. I speak of ValenTINE's Day. Yup...that's an "N." The word is not Valentime's Day, Valentom's Day, or even Valentahms Day. It's tee-eye-EN-ee. The holiday was named after Saint Valentine, the Catholic patron saint of love, young people & happy marriages. I could just imagine that in order for your prayers to a patron saint to be recognized, it kinda helps that you at least get his name right since most don't even know he's a Catholic saint. I don't know how the saints get down as far as denominational fidelity but every little bit helps. Enunciate with pronunciation to make happy your fornication & unification. #Imjessayin

I feel so much better now that I've cleared that up for you. I'd really like to go into a few of the commonly mispronounced words but I just don't know if I have the constitution to eff witchall on these words that you butcher worse than prepackaged lunch meat. Get your lives right. Stop saying folks "talk white" & get some friends who enunciate properly pronounced words so that you too can learn to speak the language. Then we can eradicate things like hood-rific on site news interviews, Black athletes turned commentators, adult invented spellings, the need for The Dumbest Tweets, & my ears bleeding. Thank you in advance for your support.

Watch me move.

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