I am a ball of energy.
Perhaps I'm a ball of nerves.
But I'm all balled up.
See, my Life is happening. It's happening at the speed of sound & at times I feel like I'm being pulled under by the current. Trying to make my dreams happen & live like there's no tomorrow, & love with wild abandon, & "walk these dogs so we can live" all at once.
I started writing a book about fulfilling my dreams & got so caught up in making them happen that I forgot to keep writing. I only remembered because I ran across the file while searching for another piece of writing to be published alongside the youth I worked with for the last 5 months. When I peruse the words shared here I AM doing what I set out to do in this time & space. I AM back in school. I AM moving forward with B.B. & I AM trying to figure out the logistics of starting my youth program. Somewhere along the line, however, I forgot to write HOW I was going to make those things happen. I forgot the first rule of asking or declaring: BE SPECIFIC!
Now I have a mean headache crashing against my temples like waves. And the waves are threatening to usher in a storm & the clouds are getting full. I cried just this morning. I was watching the Today Show while eating breakfast & prepping the day's To Do List. There was an abbreviated Tough Mudder for the hosts to participate in. Two female hosts, 3 males, 1 of whom is Al Roker in his older & more out of shape physical condition. It was a female host who tore off when the start was signaled, who jumped 1st into the pit of ice, submerged & then reemerged, ready to continue. She looked cold, but not phased. I burst into tears, crying salty tears into my blueberry sweetened steel cut oats. I watched them scrape their knees & not make it up the wall repeatedly, using teamwork but giving in to their individual inner competitor. I saw myself in identifying my next greatest accomplishment, pushing myself further or harder, raising my own bar higher & higher. I saw myself in the reason for the challenge & I cried some more.
My own inner competitor doesn't sleep. She's always taunting me, moving the carrot further & further away. She laughs when I stop to catch my breath. She changes the carrot to whatever I fancy at the time if she notices carrots no longer motivate me. She sends accountability partners. She sends textual harassment through those who can see things in me I've either not seen or try to ignore so that they can poke & prod me into doing & becoming what I know I should. She sends telling dreams & timely motivational words. She gives me just enough & keeps me wanting more. This mind of mine that she inhabits is tired. These swirling thoughts & these never ending ideas & the ideas creating lessons & the lessons creating avenues & the avenues require me to walk them immediately, lest I forget my way. This mind of mine that she inhabits is tired. But these legs grow stronger & won't let me stay seated even when my mind desperately needs it.
It's led me to this point. Right here.
This place where I have no paying job but do a great deal of work. Where making it through each week is a juggling act, an act of prayer, a whole lot of creativity & magic, I'm sure. Taking on debt to get further schooling feels ridiculous as I try to ensure I'll be able to eat next week. & yet, being able to eat well beyond next week is directly tied to this schooling that's necessary for my career change. Meanwhile, the job market has yet to forgive me for my previous career & allow me to return to the simpler side of things where clocking in at 9 & out at 5 with no emotional attachment is the standard. I keep trying to remind myself that in order to get to something we must go through something; a reminder that this WILL BE worth it in the end.
In this moment, I think the weight of it all is getting heavier. It's got me all worked up to where the idea of challenge brings me to tears--while eagerly pursuing it. It's got me in this place where not being able to do what I said I was going to do makes me cry. It's got me smiling for the good of others & lamenting my own time table. It has me wanting a new tattoo to feel & see something different. It has me feeling too tame & wanting to look/be/feel/live more like what this feels like.
I'm unsettled because today requires so much patience for me to get to tomorrow & I feel like I'm running in place. I hate that feeling. & hating this feeling & it has turned me into a ball of energy, a ball of nerves. I'm all balled up.
Watch me move.