Shoe Personality of the Week: 9/29/13
It feels foreign to sit here, poised to share some aspect of my life, my thoughts, my feelings... Time keeps getting away from me, filling with things that make it more & more difficult for me to honor this much needed personal release but also that create more cause for me to need it in the 1st place. I believe I am living what is referred to as a Catch 22. For those of you not in the know, it's damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Right now life feels like a game. I'm clearly on someone's court or field, racing for my life, trying to be the 1st to score. The game is cutthroat but I'm trying to keep it classy. It's overwhelming but I'm still smiling. & it's all getting done with good old fashioned diligence, commitment, & time on task. Teaching, while being a formal student, is A LOT! In the last month I have dealt with insanely inadequate space, furniture, resources, no textbooks & the expectation that my delivery was on 100% even if I only had 50% of what I needed.
As some of those things started to get worked out I found myself directly across the street from a killing spree that made national headlines. The personal issues of my students, the pressures of work demands without ample time & still having to show up prepared for grad classes has lead me to stop cooking, neglect my juicing needs (& look who's sick now), & not staying still long enough to rejuvenate. In the background have been several voices telling me "you got this", that you're never dealt more than you can handle, & that the strength will rise up from some unknown well & surprise me with what I can do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't have a sandwich or a nap to offer me, we can't really talk.
As this is all unfolding, my support system is rallying behind me, wiping my tears, offering as much buffering as possible, & reminding me to press pause sometimes for the little things: a chai tea with a double shot of "punkin" spice; a pedi; massage breaks; exercise; brunch/lunch/dunch/dinner/brinner with a friend; live music...
I gotta do it to stay on top of my goals, to remember that this struggle is the foundation that my next phase in life will be built on. So, I'm tapping into my classic ruggedness, attempting to be fly as I go through all of this instead of letting frayed edges hang out, & embracing that from behind all grey clouds come the sunlight.
By hook or goddamn crook, I WILL be still standing at the end of all this & I WILL be better for it. (I just don't feel like hearing it all the time.)
Watch me move!