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Sunday

Shoe Personality of the Week: 11/10/13

Last summer The Beau's little sister got married. Today it was his little brother & his sweetheart bride. It's a happy occasion that marks the beginning of a new journey that the average 1 of us is not prepared for moving beyond the celebration. I think these two, these four even-including the little sister & her long time partner, are ready for the work.

Uggghhhhh...

Who wants to hear the word work when thinking of marriage? Those of you who fall into that aforementioned category, "the average 1 of us," are just the 1's who cringed when reading the word 'work'. I understand.

Somehow though, after seeing a glimpse of The Beau in his wedding suit, my mind is swirling & I actually feel sick. Instead of the air feeling like it's changing, I feel like I'm choking on what if's of my own. Marriage has never been a game to me. I've been in the line to the line years ago, & in the line to the altar some time after that. I have been thankful, post those relationships, that it didn't make it all the way to the altar because I feel fairly certain that I'd be divorced or living in misery by now. I know when to accept my blessings.

So when I saw The Beau in his wedding suit, lookin' all dapper & happy, it didn't make sense that nausea would follow. Not to me, at least. Maybe 1 of you can relate to this feeling & help me process it. Anyway, because it's Sunday, & I was going to hurt something or someone if I didn't write, I decided to process it through shoes.

I'm not a white dress kinda girl. I'm not a Euro-cut kinda girl at all. I see myself, should there ever be a broom to jump in my future, hot steppin' in a contemporary African somethin' that's as colorful as I am. While I'm colorful, I am elegant. & while I'm a modern woman, I do connect to some "traditional" ideals relating to relationships. There are parts of me that aren't made immediately visible, but there are parts of me that are exposed & tease a little. I'm in full bloom & always wanting it to be warm enough to have my toes out. That is both literal & figurative about me. I'm soft, & feminine. Like this shoe:



Part of me buys into the notion of wanting to be the center of attention--despite the fact that it makes me extremely uncomfortable--on a day such as a wedding day. Notice I didn't say 'my'. I imagine wanting to be fierce & present & festive. I want to stand tall, present & accounted for in love & work. (There's that word again.) Something like this:



At the same time, I'm all about authenticity. Always searching for ways to be fully me, while supporting Him is what I do. It's a balancing act, like this shoe:



In the end, my dream is to do it somewhere warm, someplace comfortable that provides an escape for others as well as for me/us. Someplace that will be comfortable & provide lasting memories to help encourage us when there's more ebb than flow. In my mind it's an occasion to ease into a new life, not to stomp into it, or even strut in, taking away from His shine, but to walk easily together into whatever tomorrow holds for us.



It all sounds so very real & surreal at once. It sounds like the best thing ever, to have a life partner, & the scariest thing ever to have a LIFE partner. For me, the intention is to do it with the intention of no outs, committed to recommitting each time the sun rises. That's no small commitment, no small joint effort. & the size of it is taking my breath. I literally feel nauseous imagining it. Maybe it's this reaction to the truth of it all, the seriousness of what marriage is, that means I'm more ready for it than I've ever been. & that too scares the hell out of me.

If you'll excuse me, this time perhaps I should watch YOU move, because I think I'm going to throw up.

1 comment:

  1. Marriage......there are so many emotions, thoughts, ideals that surround that topic. To express it with shoes...love it. Strip away all the fanfare, hoopla, capitalistic, fairy tale, dreamworld, societal driven nonsense of marriage and what's left is what a lot of people can't deal with. What leads to 1 out of however many marriages ending in divorce. That would be reality and yes work. Its not bad "work" if it's two individuals willing to do it together. My view has changed of marriage. Might even be tainted right now. A person should be able to truly be themselves and live in their truth. Having a life partner shouldn't be scary I feel. I think it's a person's spirit giving them a warning. Marriage for me right now is a BIG BLACK BOOT.

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