I haven't written anything here since February 2015. Earlier today I posted on Facebook that writing doesn't feel safe anymore & then just like that the urge to
Disclaimer that I owe no one but respectfully offer-
If you read something that feels familiar to something you’ve posted or engaged me directly in conversation, know that it doesn’t show up here unless it has come up with multiple people. In other words, this loosely examines some of the views I’ve encountered related to sexual violence & kinda compiled based on patterns. If what you said only came up that 1 time you said it, it doesn’t appear here. So, no need to go pulling the veils off your faces because no one but you knows who you are, but feel free to unveil if you have more you wish to drop on the subject. & do know, even through our disagreement on what is a VERY IMPORTANT matter to me, I still love you. For the most part. But I’ll be sure not to turn to you should I ever need to talk about my own experiences with sexual violence because you aren’t safe. If you’re not too offended already to still be here, please do read on. If not, no hard feelings, unless you wielded a hard dick against me or someone else without my/our consent. Uncomfortable? Yeah. Me too.
1. Sexual violence is layered.
2. The discussion is centered largely around women & that makes MANY men uncomfortable. We mustn’t discount their experiences as victims of the violence or being falsely accused. This includes men of the queer community as victims & perpetrators. & even as I’m positive y’all need to be considered, how many of you still don’t truly respect [Black] women enough to consider me/us?
3. This topic makes us all uncomfortable but for differing reasons, usually based in some personal experience.
4. My own participation in the discussion is imbalanced emotionally as a victim of sexual violence. However, my powers of critical thinking & discernment do STILL allow me to consider sexual violence from more than 1 angle; angles that those who’ve not been victims & those who are dismissive of even considering the detriment of these predatory relationships can’t even imagine need to be considered. I continue to pray that you never need to consider them from a personal vantage point.
5. I’m sorry to my brothers who have been falsely accused. I apologize that you live in a society that does not value you. Back to that critical thinking & discernment, however, I am able to see how powerlessness is at the center of someone falsely accusing another as well as for he who is being accused.
6. So many women don’t give a shit about women, like I lightweight don’t feel safe wit’ summay’all no more. “Where her bruises at?” “Did she go to the police/the hospital right away?” “Where her rape kit at?” “She ain’t get nunna his skin under her nails?” “Who don’t tell; I’m not buyin’ it.” “She ain’t tell nobody? NOBODY?” My favorites are “I’m a woman & even I don’t believe (fill in the name of all the women you’re questioning right now).” & "I've talked to friends who've been raped & they (fill in ridiculous generalization here)." Your (insert #) friends who've experienced sexual violence are no more representative of the full experience than you are as the 1 Black friend to some of the white folks you know. Stop it.
7. Don’t let whoever the alleged perpetrator is have money? Cuz all of us are out here tryna rob the next man of his fortune. Cuz men with money NEVER use it to exploit those of us with less of it. Never.
8. It’s OK to question, but if we’re questioning, it should be balanced because to ask questions, followed by “I don’t really care” assigns you a position by default based on the way in which the question is asked. & it’s usually asked in support of the male perpetrator (which is the opposite of balanced) because we honor men & dishonor women (while constantly lusting after vaginas. Funny about that.).
9. I have seen plenty of pieces placing the burden of proof on the alleged victims. I’ve not seen 1 piece asking the alleged perpetrator to prove his innocence (which doesn't mean they don't exist, I just haven't come across them). In fact 2 in particular—you know their names—get to say “no comment” or refuse interviews unless it’s guaranteed that this messy topic will be avoided.
10. Who watched the R. Kelly urination video back in the day? How’d you feel after you watched it? Did you run it back more than once? Laugh at the young girl? Spew some dumb shit about your own sexual prowess? Talk about it wit’ ya friends? “Man, did you see him…? That shit was wild!” Yeah…didn’t watch it cuz, well, my history & the idea of a grown man involved in sexual acts with children is vile to me. Even those children labeled #FastTailedGirls by those of you who swear these young girls out here askin’ for it—without considering where those ideas may have come from cuz people with vaginas are just sneaky. Y’all better warn these men getting sex changes that they’re joining the ranks of folks nobody gives a damn about. Enter at your own risk, fellas. Puns & shit. Double (or more) entendre fucking puns.
11. Even when a man tells you he prepped the turkey, stuffed it, dressed it, cooked it & set it on the table, as long as he says he didn’t cook it, you’re willing to cape for the fact that he’s obviously a vegetarian & the turkey is a figment of our carnivorous imaginations.
12. If allegations against the rich & [supposedly] powerful, are all ploys to rob them of said riches & power, how did so many of you “regular” men get accused (or know of your “regular” friends” getting accused)?
13. Too many are using too little brain power & caught up in the current [Black] face of all of this. Sexual violence & rape culture are so much bigger than Bill Cosby & the HORDES of women alleging he’s been sexually violent with them.
14. But since we’re on The Cos, is anybody concerned about why this man was so willing to help so many women tryna break into the industry? His heart is just so big that he engaged in these behaviors serially & trusted (yeah, OK) that the goodness of his heart would prevail & no one would confuse his helpful intentions with unsolicited sexual acts. & what purpose did drugs, alcohol & sex play in his brand of mentorship? He’s taken mentoring to a whole other uncomfortable & dangerous level. & what made them think he’d be a good mentor? Oh, wait, his riches & [supposed] power that has also victimized him.
15. The same 1's out here fighting against bad cops & don't understand that the indiscriminate murders of Black people is systemic also believe that this shouldn't be considered important cuz there's white men who have (fill in the blanks with all manner of truly unrelated things. Bless your hearts for not realizing this ain't no "but..." situation but an "AND" situation. Like this AND this happens. "But" voids the importance of an issue on either side of it, whichever you deem most important or egregious at the time. Just like you woke up AND your heart pumped while your lungs respirated, these things exist at the same time as well. & truthfully, they can be addressed simultaneously; they don't have to be 1-at-a-timed fighting for the right to be the most wrong. I promise.
16. I hate to break it to y’all, but there really is no comparison between Jared & Bill Cosby. 1st of all, dude admitted his guilt & has been arrested. It really stops there. 2nd of all, he doesn’t own Subway so I don’t even care that you’re still eating those subs. Same for Steven Collins. But you don’t know who that is, cuz you didn’t actually watch 7th Heaven to give a damn about him. All you know is he’s white so it calls for the creation of side-by-side memes to state unresearched points. Well, while his victimizing occurred as late as 1994, he is still being investigated, he too confessed & at least 2 networks shut the reruns down. Any other unfair & ignored similarities, outside of the fact that they’re all men? Cuz there is still that.
17. I pray that none of you need a breakdown on consent cuz then we have more problems than I thought, which I think we do, & I just don't have any emotional room for that. But for those of you confused when the words rape, sex, & drugs are in the same sentence, Yes, there are people who consent to mix sex with drugs & alcohol. But a person who consents to drugs & alcohol but who does NOT consent to sex has been raped, by definition. If she didn't say yes or was UNABLE to speak, it ain't consent, Homie. Word to Robin Thicke. #BlurredLines
18. Those of you who orbit around the industry better warn all your rich & [supposedly] powerful Black men friends that their takedown plans are being drafted right now & “they” are coming for them. Take heed & take cover. But you less than wealthy Brothers should be good as long as you ain’t got nothin’ for the next wo/man to take.
19. Once again--this is so much bigger than the name of any actor, comedian, musician, or priest. This is about the frightening willingness to victim shame & blame all willy nilly, applying it like some protective balm against your own indiscretions or painful experiences that you have yet to deal with (among the other layers to this). & in case you were confused on sexual violence & how broad it is beyond just the word 'rape', check this out to get a lil' sexual violence for dummies. It's not in depth, but that exists on these Innerwebs if & when readiness to dig a little deeper presents itself.
20. Y’all don’t believe in the law unless or until it works in favor of those you care about, even when those you care about are preying on others. #FreeMyNigga(fill in the blanks with every incarcerated Black person) t-shirts available soon because we should be given crime passes for reparations. #Dab
Watch Me Move.
PS--if you're still here, do know that I appreciate you for bothering with the words that tumble thru these fingertips. Your readership humbles me & I generally, through the sharing of my own stories & opinions, do so from the understanding that our joys & pains do not occur in a vacuum. We're out here busy learning that life gon' life & it's not always easy. Along the way, we will disagree & I am fully braced for it. & when the dust settles, we can still body roll at the same parties & chat it up on the corner when we run into each other. But THIS subject right here--specific men aside, cuz I'm not really worried about the individuals--I will always go hard in the paint about. Always. You may feel free to voice your own opinions, clap back if you feel it in you, but do know that I will not necessarily be furthering the discussion with responses cuz I need to fall back & take care of myself while y'all are busy triggering those of us with this most unfortunate truth as part of our story.