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Tuesday

The Kitten Quarters: 1 Woman's Take


I was reading a blog I like to frequent, but will remain nameless, & came up on the female response to a male-centric post last week about what men should have in their places to make women comfortable in the bachelor pad. I was curious what women should have to see if the list made any sense and how much, if any of it, I actually have or should get. I was all excited to chew on what had the potential to be rather comedic. The categories, in order of appearance are Condoms; Liquor; Porn; Air Conditioning/Fan; Liquid Sustenance; Real Food; Non-Feminine Soap; Clear Shagging Surface; Lube; Coffee.

The 1st category, Condoms, was prime for the reading. I cracked my knuckles, reached for my mug of TAZO wild sweet orange tea and dug in. I got to the 1st period and then this happened:

It behooves me to see women leaving their health and sanity up in the air like this.

I went back & read it again. Yup…it still says “behooves” in the strangest placement EVER. So, I started again, feeling like maybe if I read the whole section it might make more sense.

Ladies, don’t think you’re exempt from taking responsibility in this arena. It behooves me to see women leaving their health and sanity up in the air like this. Do you really want a pregnancy scare? Does he? Are we shopping for STDs like a Louboutin sale? Hell no. I always keep a stash of condoms on hand just in case. It gives him one less thing to think about or remember. If your activities get a little more kinky (i.e., anal sex), then you definitely want to keep condoms on hand because nobody likes a mess. Keep a wastebasket close so he can dump the condom once he’s done, but remember to take out the trash when he’s gone. The next dude really doesn’t need to see your prior activity.


MmmmmKay…No. It appears that this authoress believes the word behooves means something akin to “pain.” I tried, on her behalf, to find ANY dictionary to support her misuse of the word but could not. & just like that, the integrity of her piece flew out of the window. The piece still tugged at me days later, curious about what she thought a woman should have in her bachelorette pad.

I don’t know who she’s dealing with, but I’ve never had a man come to my house & ask for likka. & truthfully, if a bottle of wine isn’t on tap, & you can’t get comfortable with me without it, you shouldn’t be privy to my favorite condom brand. Next she tackled porn. I don’t know if I just haven’t seen the good stuff but porn is just corny to me. I haven’t seen a realistic scenario yet. Not. One. & straighten me out if I’m off base here but…if you came over to DO the grown-up with me, why do we need to WATCH the grown-up? I’d hope by the time you get to my house that you know what to do already. If you don’t, that likka & those condoms will be of no use to you.

This piece was so lackluster that I’ll just kinda skip around a bit to hit on what she shared, in case you didn’t know it & it matters to you getting your kitten den decked out.

She suggests you have some real food on hand. Cook a little meal or have small parts of meals already prepared. What she forgot is that cats comin’ over for the sole purpose of wild stankin’ it (remember that Gawd Body?) typically don’t get cooked for. Actually, I keep real food in my fridge because I LIKE TO EAT IT. It doesn’t get offered to most; snack food better do. Plus, sticking around for a meal requires you to linger and who needs that? Which leads me to the next thing you won’t be needing: non-feminine soap. If hittin’ it is all it’s hittin’ for, please believe you won’t be dirtying any of my towels. Perhaps she meant wipes. I’on’tknow.

The Liquid Sustenance & Air Conditioning/Fan thing cracked me up. Most men can never get enough to drink & it just puts a major dent in your stock of liquid refreshments just to have them in your house at all. Making them a bill. But try not having at least something to drink while also not having A/C or a fan. Talk about watching a man melt. He’s puttin’ in all that work & wasting away, dripping sweat all in your eye. Funny but YUCK!! Oh, & make sure while he’s sweating sauna-style that you’ve cleared your shagging surface. If not, all those clothes you keep strewn all over your bed will get soaked in man musk.

To round off the things that she said you should have are Lube and Coffee. Lube is extremely personal so I’ll refrain from discussing that out here on this virtual corner. Y’all don’t know me like that. & if you do, we’ve probably discussed this stuff at length. But coffee? I don’t drink it, and neither does the chick who wrote the piece. Because of this, I won’t be buying it or a coffee pot to perp like I do. I don’t eat pork, but many men do. I will not be keeping a pack of pork bacon in the fridge for breakfast for them either. If you were paying attention, that’s also because breakfast is a meal & who cooks for the plumber?

Honestly, I think this chick’s confused. It seems that what she may have been talking about is less for the bachelorette & more for the woman in a relationship. When I start brewing coffee for you, when I don’t drink the stuff, and preparing meals for you from my heart, it’s because we’re in something. When I let you drink up all my juice and lay up all over my bed, we’re in something. When I start making sure my soap doesn’t leave you feeling a little gay though I’m typically on the light to unscented side, it’s because I’ve been to your house too & paid attention to your favorite brand. If we’re watching porn together, it’s because we have that kinda time & have done some other things together like: picked out the condoms we like together, assessed the need for lube together, and intend to do more than sweat together—with or without that fan.

But that’s just me.

Watch me move.

7 comments:

  1. First off, the misuse of behooves... I have been slain. Slain dead to death until no longer alive. That serious.

    That said, this woman does not seem to have made any kind of delineation between booty call and boyfriend, which bodes ill for her long-term relationship prospects (treat booty calls like boyfriends and boyfriends like booty calls, and you'll irritate the fuck out of both groups in short order). Now, to the play-by-play!

    Condoms - This is a two-way street. Both groups need to be acknowledging responsibility for this situation. If I don't have any, it'd be great if you did. If you don't have any, it'd be great if I did. If neither of us have any, there shouldn't be much in the way of Tab A in Slot B.

    Liquor - I mean... I guess. I'll never turn down a drink, but it clearly doesn't need to be an alcoholic beverage. Perhaps some Gatorade, in anticipation of what's about to go down.

    Porn - I mean, if you want to watch, it's a rare guy who's going to say no. But, again... did you forget what I came for?

    Air Conditioning/Fan - I know I'm working hard, but come on. You mean to tell me that you don't live with that as a matter of course? Where dey do dat at?

    Liquid Sustenance - I refer you to my Liquor point. Then again, I have home training, so I'll be just fine with water. I can buy myself some Gatorade on the way home.

    Real Food - I. Am. Not. Here. To. Eat. Actually, that's not necessarily accurate. I am not here to check out your chef steez. I chalk this up to the conflation of booty call and boyfriend.

    Non-Feminine Soap - I'm not sleeping over. I don't care if your soap smells like nothing or vanilla jasmine raspberry sunrise, since I'm never going to be using it. Some unscented hand soap would be nice, though.

    Clear Shagging Surface - What are you, a hoarder? If you know the dude is coming, all you need to do is clear a path to the bedroom, the bathroom, and out the damn door. What is this foolishness? Even I know how to clean up.

    Lube - Depends on the person, so I can't really knock this one.

    Coffee - If I want coffee, I will grab some at the 7-11 on the way home.


    Seriously: Tang, Trojans, and some time to stretch. That's all I need.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sir...you will NOT throw around comments like "slain dead to death" all willy nilly around this blog. I wish I could duplicate her janky use of the word "behoove" so that I could slay you once more and leave you thrice slain upon this virtual ground.

    I'm lyin. I love you & your participation too much for that.

    Oh, & your "I. Am. Not. Here. To. Eat." before checking the context in which you stated that was all types of "of course he'd clear that up" goodness.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, with all her foolishness, my outrage got ahead of certain probabilities. So I expressed my outrage, then qualified the statement.

    And... well, of course I'd clear that up. That's just kind of what I do.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh. My. Gosh. Can I love this piece any more than I do? No.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ya'll make me cackle! It would behoove the author of the original piece to read THIS post + comments. It would also behoove her to invest in a daily vocabulary curriculum. I used to use Wordly Wise with my 6th graders and I think it's still relatively inexpensive.

    On another note, how could ya'll miss the allusion to her ho-tastic lifestyle in which there's some serious overlap of sexual partners!?!? Or maybe I just empty my trash receptacles more often. Regardless of whether the issue is her kitten's open enrollment policy or some hoarderesque behavior, it's cause for concern along with her 5th grade vocabulary challenges.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey A-weez,

    Yeah I know I've been missing in action...but I know you're gonna let me have a pass :) Can I say I love your foolishness and mayhem? Yeah I am a closet Nicey Nash fan, and what #dontjudgeme

    These are clearly relationship rules not hit it and quit it rules. I mean who keeps beverages in particular coffee for dudes that aren't staying the night. And if you're not staying the night then it would probably mean you aren't my dude and in that case play your part. The same would go if I went to his place. I wouldn't and shouldn't expect my favorite lotion.

    The one thing I'm OK with is the condoms only because everyone who's doing the grown up (consider this stolen) should always have protection. I keep my go to stash just in case.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Big Slim-HA @ Wordly Wise! We use it too. In the 6th grade that is. The idea of grown folks investing in a vocabulary curriculum gives me the giggles. But...perhaps that's why that show Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader exists.

    Do know that I gave the original chick the "for real, girl...for real" side-eye. I especially wondered what the deal was with her hoarder tendencies. I hesitate to call the chick a ho 'cuz I don't know her & a woman has a right to do as she chooses with her body. I do, however, believe she needs to get clear about what she's doing so she's not deluded & believing that what she's engaging in classifies as a relationship. Or maybe she's confused on what a Jump Off actually is. I'on'tknow. & neither does she, which is the problem.

    CEE-CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
    Girl, where you been? & when you gon' put up sumpin for me to chew on? I'm glad despite your selfishness (hopefully for the best reasons) in sharing your own "foolish & mayhem" that you're able to find some to give you life elsewhere. Now go write sumpin.

    ReplyDelete