The Kitten Quarters: 1 Woman's Take

I was reading a blog I like to frequent, but will remain nameless, & came up on the female response to a male-centric post last week about what men should have in their places to make women comfortable in the bachelor pad. I was curious what women should have to see if the list made any sense and how much, if any of it, I actually have or should get. I was all excited to chew on what had the potential to be rather comedic. The categories, in order of appearance are Condoms; Liquor; Porn; Air Conditioning/Fan; Liquid Sustenance; Real Food; Non-Feminine Soap; Clear Shagging Surface; Lube; Coffee.

The 1st category, Condoms, was prime for the reading. I cracked my knuckles, reached for my mug of TAZO wild sweet orange tea and dug in. I got to the 1st period and then this happened:

It behooves me to see women leaving their health and sanity up in the air like this.

I went back & read it again. Yup…it still says “behooves” in the strangest placement EVER. So, I started again, feeling like maybe if I read the whole section it might make more sense.

Ladies, don’t think you’re exempt from taking responsibility in this arena. It behooves me to see women leaving their health and sanity up in the air like this. Do you really want a pregnancy scare? Does he? Are we shopping for STDs like a Louboutin sale? Hell no. I always keep a stash of condoms on hand just in case. It gives him one less thing to think about or remember. If your activities get a little more kinky (i.e., anal sex), then you definitely want to keep condoms on hand because nobody likes a mess. Keep a wastebasket close so he can dump the condom once he’s done, but remember to take out the trash when he’s gone. The next dude really doesn’t need to see your prior activity.

MmmmmKay…No. It appears that this authoress believes the word behooves means something akin to “pain.” I tried, on her behalf, to find ANY dictionary to support her misuse of the word but could not. & just like that, the integrity of her piece flew out of the window. The piece still tugged at me days later, curious about what she thought a woman should have in her bachelorette pad.

I don’t know who she’s dealing with, but I’ve never had a man come to my house & ask for likka. & truthfully, if a bottle of wine isn’t on tap, & you can’t get comfortable with me without it, you shouldn’t be privy to my favorite condom brand. Next she tackled porn. I don’t know if I just haven’t seen the good stuff but porn is just corny to me. I haven’t seen a realistic scenario yet. Not. One. & straighten me out if I’m off base here but…if you came over to DO the grown-up with me, why do we need to WATCH the grown-up? I’d hope by the time you get to my house that you know what to do already. If you don’t, that likka & those condoms will be of no use to you.

This piece was so lackluster that I’ll just kinda skip around a bit to hit on what she shared, in case you didn’t know it & it matters to you getting your kitten den decked out.

She suggests you have some real food on hand. Cook a little meal or have small parts of meals already prepared. What she forgot is that cats comin’ over for the sole purpose of wild stankin’ it (remember that Gawd Body?) typically don’t get cooked for. Actually, I keep real food in my fridge because I LIKE TO EAT IT. It doesn’t get offered to most; snack food better do. Plus, sticking around for a meal requires you to linger and who needs that? Which leads me to the next thing you won’t be needing: non-feminine soap. If hittin’ it is all it’s hittin’ for, please believe you won’t be dirtying any of my towels. Perhaps she meant wipes. I’on’tknow.

The Liquid Sustenance & Air Conditioning/Fan thing cracked me up. Most men can never get enough to drink & it just puts a major dent in your stock of liquid refreshments just to have them in your house at all. Making them a bill. But try not having at least something to drink while also not having A/C or a fan. Talk about watching a man melt. He’s puttin’ in all that work & wasting away, dripping sweat all in your eye. Funny but YUCK!! Oh, & make sure while he’s sweating sauna-style that you’ve cleared your shagging surface. If not, all those clothes you keep strewn all over your bed will get soaked in man musk.

To round off the things that she said you should have are Lube and Coffee. Lube is extremely personal so I’ll refrain from discussing that out here on this virtual corner. Y’all don’t know me like that. & if you do, we’ve probably discussed this stuff at length. But coffee? I don’t drink it, and neither does the chick who wrote the piece. Because of this, I won’t be buying it or a coffee pot to perp like I do. I don’t eat pork, but many men do. I will not be keeping a pack of pork bacon in the fridge for breakfast for them either. If you were paying attention, that’s also because breakfast is a meal & who cooks for the plumber?

Honestly, I think this chick’s confused. It seems that what she may have been talking about is less for the bachelorette & more for the woman in a relationship. When I start brewing coffee for you, when I don’t drink the stuff, and preparing meals for you from my heart, it’s because we’re in something. When I let you drink up all my juice and lay up all over my bed, we’re in something. When I start making sure my soap doesn’t leave you feeling a little gay though I’m typically on the light to unscented side, it’s because I’ve been to your house too & paid attention to your favorite brand. If we’re watching porn together, it’s because we have that kinda time & have done some other things together like: picked out the condoms we like together, assessed the need for lube together, and intend to do more than sweat together—with or without that fan.

But that’s just me.

Watch me move.