By Choice, Not Circumstance

If you're anything like me, you've side stepped a perfectly good opportunity that you knew was right for you because it came at the wrong time.

It's that sneaky Fear Factor thing again. For me, there's this fear that something I want might actually work out at a time I'm not ready for it. According to my mind, that is. If I were actually paying attention in the moment, I'd remember that it's often not about what I think I want, because sometimes even I don't know what's good for me. I'm always careful to avoid things that may add more responsibilities to my plate. I don't join committees voluntarily at work or organizations with meeting schedules, no longer dance in a company, I refrain from playing babysitter to friend's children, don't get my eyebrows arched or shave my legs, haven't instituted Sunday dinner (though I want to so bad)...and on and on and on. All of that feels like "must do's" and I've had enough of that in my life for now. I want to sit back and drink wine on my living room floor if I choose to and not worry about rushing in to change clothes for the next responsibility. I've even neglected my writing, afraid of publishing because someone might request another offering of me and I'd have to create on their time, not my own.

Relationships are exactly the same for me. I've come across one or 2 men I was clear had something special to offer. For whatever reason, I wasn't ready to accept their gifts and turned them away. I saw too much of the self I was avoiding already actively at work in them. Total devotion to causes that I know if I allowed my passions to drive me, I'd become those things instead of working for them. Another time I've seen just enough of a trait from someone else who didn't work out to feel like it was necessary to avoid him, despite all the other wonderful things he brought to the table. These "hims" also never live in the same city, forcing me to confront my willingness to uproot to places I've never wanted to be past a visit, or whether I was ready for the long distance thing. Long distance is actually somewhat attractive since I don't particularly care for constant togetherness. I appreciate being able to miss and long for someone, making the time you spend that much more valuable. And then reality sets in...maybe...Now I just don't want the responsibility of caring. Once I'm into someone I'm ALL THE WAY in, which at times leaves me out. I can't have that again.

In other situations, with friends, I've avoided the responsibility of carrying the weight of a poor decision that could leave the friendship permanently altered and irreparable. My male friends mean too much to me, may also contribute to why I feel fine without a companion,and they've always taken great care of me. I get treated with the respect of a sister and girlfriend at once and have the freedom of openness and camaraderie. Minus not having the [assumed] pleasures of sex, I couldn't ask for more. I risked it once, with my best friend. It was the best relationship of my life, but in the end it's just what I said: permanently altered. Despite the positive interaction we continue to share, it's not like it was before and I miss that. I live with no regrets though.

I suppose at this juncture, I am too busy getting to know alone time, on purpose, with myself. I'm also busy exploring relationships with my girlfriends that I haven't put as much time and energy into as of late. The reconnecting is fun, and when it's all over, I get to come home to my favorite place where everything is mine and I know the rules of engagement. That doesn't mean from time to time I don't have a prayerful moment, hoping to be revealed to the next one coming down the pike, hoping the timing will be right and allow the path to be clear for the next episode of Sex, Love, and Hip Hop (sorry, I don't do Rock n Roll in its current form). There's a cat out there whose heart plays the rhythm I want to dance to and who comes with a matching dip, dip, dive in his hips. For now, I guess I'll keep the choreography to the dance floor.

Watch me move.