Discarded Dreams

Retail therapy works, just a little. Every time something relationship related comes up and really throws me for a loop, I find myself purchasing a pair of shoes. I try to at least make sure they're on sale, like the pair I just hit "submit order" on, but it doesn't always work out that way. I rarely have any regrets.

I hate the fact that I even had to buy a pair of shoes just now. My hopes were so high for my last relationship. I was on the ride or die team, not knowing an assassin lay in wait to murder it. That sounds so melodramatic, and the end of it was...well it was that...but it wasn't as serious as all that I guess. It's the after affects, identifying it's body at the morgue, claiming it and pushing for a speedy burial while still holding court with its ghost that has left me reeling from time to time.

The worst thing about the end of a relationship is watching the fruits of your labor plant seeds elsewhere and harvest all of what you intended in other orchards. What you hate is that you don't want the person to do anything else but thrive and flourish, unless you're just a mean-spirited troll (which I am not), but it for some reason makes it no easier to watch it happen. Many of the things I wanted for him have come to pass. Love it. Many of the things I wanted for us have come to pass too, minus the "us" part and I'm fighting hard against being sick about it. Inside, I want to throw some shit, I want to cuss him out and roll around on the ground like a 3 year old I know. To what end though? This is such wasted energy, especially since I'm doing well and my life has been moving at a quick clip toward the things I want for me.

My guru always tells me that to know better is to do better. So, the tantrum remains internal, except for splaying it all out right here. This is probably best anyway. Nothing gets broken and no one's feelings get hurt while I work through these emotions...again. It'll only be a matter of minutes (my bounce back time is getting shorter these days--GO ME!!) before I leave this childish wallowing behind and get back on track with my own mission and my current path of excellence.

Everyone's entitled to a weak moment. Some fall prey to chocolate cravings. I indulge my emotions.

Watch me move.