ode to a friend

the man said he felt like he was too close to my “block” without permission. and so he asked.

i didn't know what to do. see, one of the only things I've ever been able to give is my permission. (what do you give to a man that has everything?) he has access to go where others haven't dared because they were afraid. he's never laughed at me but gently made me put my back down, save those muscles to flex on someone else. the way he's always disarmed me is scary. i don't have to deal with it often because he's not here. and so i'm caught off guard when he's able to divine via fiber optics, tell me who i am, and put me in my place. how do you do it?

he asked again. i still couldn't respond because i felt like he was already there, as he always is, and simply waited for him to tell me what comes next or who i was in that moment. it was his way of telling me he needed something from me, which happens rarely, and i didn't know what to do. the need spoke to a louder truth but one that wasn't exactly the topic at the moment.

he called my name, the one only he uses, and asked again.
i was forced to respond but couldn't say the word “yes.” instead, i gave him the history behind why the word was what i meant and not knowing how to gift it to him just because this time he was asking.

i don't know why shit with me always has to go down like this. put a spotlight on the movement i was making with abandon just seconds before and suddenly it becomes work. spotlight makes me feel small. he knows this and puts me in it to get used to it. he calls me superstar. what stars aren't hot? why can't i take the heat?

by the end he had permission to be where he's always been. to stay where he's always been welcome. to say the words i trust, even at times when the words hurt and unleash the dam.

i wonder if i drank all the tears i've cried if i could actually relieve my life's thirst? but i digress.

and so he took my permission and handed me the mirror one more time. he gave me a good hard look at myself, posed the question-are you ready fight or listen? [friendship is so grand!!]

like i always do, i picked up the plow and silently agreed to till another row in my life. he always patiently holds the bag. i got seeds waiting to be planted.

Watch me move.