The Summa Holla

So…the adventures of the Summa Holla…

Wednesday I was strolling up the Ave, Georgia to be exact, and heard the distinct sound of The Holla coming up me street side. I was dressed to give a demo lesson in, a vision in summer white, carrying a big messenger bag on my shoulder & materials in hand. I could not have looked anything other than focused on making it to my destination with my lungs still in tact. The humidity this past week has been as thick & moist as my grandmother’s pound cake: easily inhaled, but not through the nose. & the heat goes on. The dude was driving, with uniformed passenger alongside, in a DC government vehicle.

So, we’ll refer to my man as D.Dot. I was hoofin’ like Gregory Hines up that hill & D.Dot was really tryna rap me up in conversation when I should’ve been controlling my breath. His 1st “excuse me, Miss” was met with respectful denial. He good naturedly continued to drive on my left & followed with, “Come on Miss Lady, can I talk to you for a minute?” I respectfully declined again & continued fighting my way up the hill. D.Dot continued to follow. The light changed against him & the walk sign smiled upon me. I hit D.Dot with the “walk on by.” I put some sincere distance between us & prematurely felt good about myself, despite having at least ½ of the Ave ahead of me. For those in the know, this journey started below McDonald’s.

Now I’m dolo, or so I thought, gaining headway & going over my demo lesson in my head. I was running a materials checklist, hoping I hadn’t forgotten the tape when The Holla turned to a chuckle as the government vehicle rode by me. D.Dot & his co-signer acted as though they knew a secret, but I quickly figured it out before he put the van in park. He outpaced me & waited for me to get to him so he could get The Holla goin’ on foot. His number was already written on a scrap of paper bag & he was prepared for all my No’s. After turning down his offer to meet me back on the Ave for lunch & his offer to pick me up & drive me back down to the parking lot, the only way to get rid of him was to promise I’d let him press that piece of paper in my hand. I didn’t have time for this extended pressed moment. I promised. He pulled off & yelled, “GET THAT DEGREE, COLLEGE GIRL!!”

Does that mean I just missed out on a man who wants to support my education?!? HA!!

As I said earlier…& the heat goes on…

Friday night rolls around & I had to make a run to my girlfriend’s house. She was back from another international foray & had brought me a pretty dress. I waited til close to 10 to avoid the traffic & parking challenge of the Dave Matthews Band concert. Imagining all those gung ho white people who’d been drinking while listening damn near gave me a headache. I went to get in my car & caught a young man & a little girl walking a beautiful pit bull teen on my passenger side. The driver’s side door was still open while I got myself situated. 92Q was doin’ a B’more club set & I was lightweight partying & paying attention to where the pit bull was out of my periphery. That’s how he snuck up on me. Young Bull, we’ll call him, walked up on me from…behind my car? I don’t really know where he came from, but he suddenly was there & with the young dog in tow. Young Bull proceeded to tell me how beautiful I was. Something he said made me laugh, my laughter made him say something else & I laughed again. He was very respectful & I thanked him for it while telling I had to go. He made comments about being able to see my professionalism in my response to him, signaling my maturity & him asking my age. Turns out he’s 9 years younger than me with a 9 year old daughter whose body is 9 years my senior. He did the new age wallet flip & pulled her up on his iPhone. He suggested I allow him to take me to the aquarium (cute) with his daughter, & that the 3 of us hold hands. Sweet, but no thanks, Young Bull. He equated me to a job he really wanted & told me he was willing to put in work to prove himself. All said with a beautiful, white, toothy grin (all of ‘em) & total reverence in his voice. If only… I were attracted to pit bull handlers with Baby Mamas. If only I were attracted to men who say things like “you know how good it feels when you got that job that covers ALL your bills AND your rent?” Don’t ask how that even came up in the conversation, why I was still even in place for all that. Young Bull suggested that I take a chance, give him my number & then I can tell him not to use it. I suppose he’s not heard of the middle man or the concept of cutting him out. Strategically placed barriers removed and I made my escape.

“Have a baby by me, Baby. Be a hundred-aire.” No thanks.

My girlfriend’s house was far less adventurous. The Dave Mathews heads had pretty much evacuated the area. I sat in my car for 4 minutes to get out of having to give DC any money for parking. The girlfriend, who will henceforth be recognized as Ms. Ibo, was ready for bed so I knew the visit would be quick. The dress she had for me came with a crazy story that she expected to make me mad but only brought on laughter. A lot of it. The stories about everyone else’s dresses made me laugh as well & we settled in to our rhythm, no matter her wearing her bed clothes. 90 unplanned minutes later I was back in my car & headed home. I found prime parking real estate & shut everything down. It was then that the same pit bull was in my periphery, as was Young Bull. Across the street from me were two semi older cats walking towards a parked car to post up on. One of these…ahem…gentlemen was shirtless. Even the nighttime darkness couldn’t hide the sight of his belly loosely flopped over the sloping waist line of his jeans, or the fact that his cup size was at least 1 up from mine. I sat in my car & contemplated how I’d get across the street unaffected but knew I was trapped.

Moobs my Man decided he’d be my rescuer from the pit bull. I decided to slice the middle of the road & steer as far away from the dog as possible & as far away from Moobs as possible. I made a fast break but Young Bull started hollering about being glad to see I made it home safely & taking his offer into consideration at the same time as Moobs started offering to walk me to my door. I told Moobs I knew where my door was & his services wouldn’t be necessary, yelled that I couldn’t hear over my shoulder in the direction of Young Bull & scurried quickly towards my door. Moobs was in hot pursuit but perhaps his man boobs weighed him down because I outran him, still shouting things over my shoulder them both that were completely meaningless fillers to get me on the other side of my door. Problem: they both know which door is mine now.

Safely inside I was disturbed by the fact that I was marveling about being safely inside. My friend Auburn Ave asked me if I had any weapons. I told him no. He asked if I was afraid of the concept. I told him no. Perhaps it’s time to think a lil’ deeper on that. Who knows when The Summa Holla could turn into The Summa Snatch, which would make the The Summa Slice & Dice necessary. I’ve only been reminded that I am NOT invincible & even seemingly good things, like being the object of desire, can turn dastardly wrong. No need to catch an unnecessary bad one.

Watch me move.