Prologue

I sat alone in my room
& I stared at the wall
& the back of my mind
I heard my conscience call
Telling me I need…

To GET OVER IT!! So, I holla’d at my homegirl, Girl 6 in the Chi, & I reached out to a trusted male, OP, for his opinion. Both said, “what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, so do the opposite.” If the Silence Edict hasn’t brought results, try talking. Sigh…

Against what I felt was my better judgment, I’m being told to speak my piece. It’s clear to everyone that I’ve never had/taken the opportunity to do just that, somehow always being distracted by The X’s power to diffuse & the divine messages that end up speaking through me for him. Double sigh…

This could be 1 of those moments where I throw a tantrum real quick, & folks keep telling me I’m entitled (as my toe continues to bleed) but I really do feel too good for that. I’m sure you can’t tell with all the mention of tears & such, but overall, I’m joyous. I don’t claim to be happy every second of the day, but I AM full of joy. So, as Girl 6 & I lovingly joked at The X’s expense, I came into a new understanding. All this time I’ve been mad at myself for not being a better judge of character; for not paying attention to the neon signs along the way; for loving harder than I’ve ever loved before (& I love haaaaaarrddd) seemingly for naught; for not being able to just let this all go. Girl 6 informed me that there can never be anything wrong with loving & the ability to do so in the way that I do it is incredible. *thanks, girl, thanks* She said it’s OK that I’d tapped into the part of The X that he’s afraid of & discovered it’s beauty & richness. It is NOT my fault that he can’t get there with himself. I did the best I could.

In honor of Droopy’s advice, she too suggested not just putting The X down, cuz I’ve done that, but replacing him with ME! I thought I’d done that too, but maybe I’d missed a step. This works better for me, avoiding marrying for revenge (as if…) & allowing me to just redirect. The arrow still points toward reaching out & saying my peace (pun intended). Everybody knows how therapeutic it is to be able to speak your truth. The problem with assuming you should be able to with other people is having to allow them the same space. So, I gotta get my weight up. ...Cuz The X is a passive aggressive genius. If there was a way to actually diffuse bombs with low key output, he’d be a top officer in Homeland Security. The chick I used to be, who could expertly cuss somebody inside out, with & without actually using expletives, has somehow been diffused by Him. It’s an awesome trick, the best 1 he’s got. Still, I’m gonna have to take some notes & write my points on my hand, break the Edict & request an audience. It really should be a “FUCK YOU & ya mama too!” type moment, but I’ve grown some behavior over the last few years. The public spectacles I once planned & executed to embarrass the shit out of unruly boyfriends are no longer. What fun they used to be. Ahhhh well…

Send positive energy my way. I’m going into the lion’s jaws, armed with nothing but honesty & the desire to walk away clean. That’s not too much to ask for. Is it?

Watch me move.