Moulting

Forever I’ve heard people speak of their Happy Place. You’ve heard about it too—where folks go in their minds to prevent all hell from breaking loose when it CLEARLY SHOULD. I’ve always coveted this sense of peace in the face of nonsense where I assumed I’d be able to hide in plain sight.

Wellllll…throw the confetti because I’ve made it. I have arrived at my own “Happy Place.” Perhaps not, now that I think about it. I DO feel peaceful, but I’m not sure I’d describe the feeling as happy. Actually, I simply feel resolved. See, people are going to do what they’re going to do and feel how they’re going to feel. Their minds are made up & there’s not a whole lot you can do to coax them to your side. If they come on over, it’s of their own accord. For some people, it doesn’t matter if I’m smiling because they choose to see a scowl. Those same people have assigned meaning to words I’ve yet to say & persecute me for actions I haven’t actually committed. Fine.

Seriously, it is. You may have already arrived at this lesson but bear with me for perhaps being “tardy to the party.” I’ve recently realized that I simply CANNOT take on the stress of people misunderstanding what they have seen or choosing not to see altogether. I can’t do a thing about that. A friend once told me that you can’t control people’s interpretations. Truth. I said A & you heard B because it’s what you want or need to hear in order to satisfy whatever inadequacies you’re working with. All that diminishing to make others comfortable…stemmed from this. How can I guarantee my intentions are clear? Even if I wrote them out, someone would read with an alternative understanding of the words I’ve chosen & the way they were strung together.

The shit’s lose/lose.

The win comes in with the understanding that there’s nothing I can do about what others take away from how I walk my walk. I am not perfect & have been pushed to respond in kind to some negative energy barreling my way like an out-of-control vehicle. Fight fire with fire, right? Enhhh… I don’t know if it’s being around my students & watching that logic go dastardly wrong every time that made me subconsciously snap to or whether I’m on some natural evolution tip. Either way, growth is occurring & my skin is stretching to make room for this next version of an even bigger ME.

For those who believe you can antagonize me with the hopes of making me show my ass…my panties are too cute for your eyes to see. Not gon’ happen. For those who think they are capable of breaking me, I ask you, have you met my Mama? Good luck with that. For those who insist upon being petty, I’ll hold up this mirror for you but I will not mirror your actions. Sorry. I am reaching for my apex. Your judgment is irrelevant because in the end you’ll see I was already beyond you; though I wish you well in your small endeavors. You can’t touch me here or dim my smile with your nonsense.

I haven’t arrived at lush green pastures or purple palaces like some folks have said exists in their Happy Places. I have found what I’ll borrow from Alice Walker & name the temple of my familiar. To those whose game playin has brought me here, I say thank you. Carry on.

Watch me move.