Check & Mate...or...Checkin For a Mate
This past weekend—I feel like I say that a lot—I attended the 2nd wedding in 2 weeks. This time I went from family to friend, from Filthadelphia to Mexico. Nothing about the 2 weddings was even remotely similar, except the effect they had on me. Sigh...
I have friends who have been collecting holes punched on their "weddings attended" cards as well as their bridesmaids cards. I, over the years, have only been in 3 weddings, with a 4th I was supposed to be in but simply couldn't afford to be in (or attend in the end) & I think in many ways I'm still apologizing for it. Neither here nor there. The span of time between the weddings I've been in is almost as laughable as my low number itself, compared to most women I know. 1999...2004...last weekend. Yup. I've managed NOT to get all caught up in the “Oh SHIT, I'm almost 30!” melee. That doesn't mean the women around me I call friends aren't married, or that I haven't attended weddings in my day, but for some reason I've managed to sidestep much of this. Somewhere between 2004 & last weekend I was even planning my own wedding & didn't understand the process AT ALL. Seriously. I'm not sure, at times, whether I'm actually a girl other than this vagina I have. & assuming certain friends are reading right now, I'm getting the STRONG o____O because everyone maintains I'm about the girliest girl they know. Such as it is, wedding planning was harder for me than putting together IKEA furniture using the Japanese translation of the Swedish original. When The X & I broke up, the 1st thing I did was put my planning binder in the dumpster. Post. Haste.
There's a point to all of this. I promise.
Skip some details in between to preparing to leave Mexico. I'm sitting pool side with the Lil Sis, post massage & facial, trying to soak up my last bit of Mexican sun. As was customary the whole trip, whenever we saw another black person we gave the obligatory “I see you, brown skin” head nod. This particular time, a woman was walking alone & I took a moment to pay my colored respect. We wound up in conversation about where we all descended upon Mexico from & the beauty of the resort. 5 minutes later we parted ways, wishing each other safe travels & fulfilled lives. Three hours after that I walked away from the Lil Sis to go & marvel at the group of coloreds who had gathered in Mexico for a Smang-fest (smash + bang). They, along with a rapper whose name I'll hold, stood in line to ride business class together. I cried a little inside as I breezed by the spectacle & opted for a trip to the ladies room outside of Bubba Gump Shrimp, Inc. You read right. In Mexico. Anyway, after I'd used the facilities, I approached the sink where the woman I'd spoken to poolside was standing with a baby I'd given the nod to in the lobby of the hotel. More chit chat before she asked if I'd hold her baby so she could relieve herself. Absolutely.
You know what? He smelled amazing like innocence & deliciousness. The combination of this baby boy in my arms, who was quite the flirt lunging at my chesticles with a big smile & sketchy muscle control, & wedding double duty had me feeling all matrimonial & maternal. Love is in the air & love is in my Life but time isn't on my side just now. The options are rolling in quick fast & in a hurry & it just dawned on me that 1 gentleman's sense of urgency around attending a wedding with me (as a 1st date) is centered around all kindsa people feeling matrimonial. That apparently includes penis people. Time, however, is not on my side. B.B. (there's an abbreviation not mentioned in a while) still holds the key to my cardiac muscle but his whole everything is counterproductive to my newly rejuvenated end goal. I'm trying to figure out if I need to sneak in through his bedroom window & slip the key off his neck as he slumbers or if I need to exercise some
Either way... Women who've just found their forever, or their "until later," always say that when you're ready, He will come. They've never been specific about whether He will want you solely & you gotta rock with that or if there's supposed to be some reciprocity involved. I only ask because I'm finding myself open & no one looks like their name is Him, but there's plenty around. So now what?There are warehouses of orphans waiting to be adopted by SuperWoman & her penis-packing counterpart. There are young women in a conundrum looking for rescuing & relief via a car seat in a vehicle she only grabs a rear fender view of as she watches Friday night with that dude drive away. There are friends with wombs-in-waiting to make my motherhood dreams a miracle. If your earlier side-eye has righted itself, it's probably askew again because you know I waffle about this parenthood thing. Parenthood, for me, is SOLELY about partnership. I've not always cared about partnership & so therefore could leave the parenthood piece alone. Now that I'm back to wanting a companion, the baby/kid seems to be hitched to the back of this bandwagon in a covered playpen.
& guess what I get to do with it all? Swallow it. Until a tall drink of water offers me a tall drink of water in a glass, not a plastic cup, that allows me to see him for all his goodness & the desire to sip on it til death
I blame this all on my Friends & Family plan. I was Kool N the Gang prior to March 21st
Watch me move.
Post Script--now I fully understand why people avoid weddings & holding babies. Ultimate set-up.
just last week or so we were reading something different. do you think it's a phase? you're sounding kinda blue-ish and about to break out some old school slow jams, dancing with your hands wrapped around your own self. like "they" say: if you're open "he" is gonna come. pray that he's better than what you could have even thought to ask for.
ReplyDeletetruth, high school history. so the other thing you should be well-versed in is that i'm governed by my emotions. 1 thing i haven't been sharing so much of is that i've emoting beneath the surface. for the sake of the greater (read:circumstantial) good, i've been appeasing myself with friendship. i was cool before because there was no real sense of urgency, except "love is urgent than a muthafucka." the lid on the jar is beginning to loosen. & yup, it is a phase, until it's not. like...(wait, did i just say "like?") when someone comes along when i'm open & does what he's s'posed to do & makes me get on board w/out thinking about it...it goes from phase to relationship. & once i'm in...well, i'm all in balls in. so to speak.
ReplyDeleteliving in a post-The X world (almost typed dude's name, lawd) is still new to me, largely. i'm figuring me out at the same time you are. never a dull moment. NEVER!!
Nothing like a wedding or a the birth of a friend's baby to amplify the ticking of the biological clock...
ReplyDeleteBut Alicia...it's NEVER happened before!!
ReplyDeleteAweezy I would like for you to stay out of my head. Fortunately for me my friends are jezebels so weddings are unicorns. This however has not a ting to do with their working lady parts hence the chirrun. Over the holiday weekend I was bombarded by baby central. And by some cruel change of events left to watch a 4 wk old infant, normally I would have said no but he was sleep. Of course when his mom exited he began crying and I had no other choice but to parlay his little sweet smelling body across my bosom!!! Such a bad idea. I didn't want to give him back...I blame mom natcha and the Spaniard for making my emotions all haywire.
ReplyDeleteI'm standing strong tho no babies with the him! This is an odd season I'm in.
Awwww, Man, WHY? It's so comfy inside your head.
ReplyDeleteBut lemme find out that I'm sharing space in there with the Spaniard still. Hmmmph!!
Oh no not like that Aweez we are OVAH!. You know that song when a women's fed up yeah I'm there with that nucca. Sorry about the language but that's the only word that I can use to fully describe his arseholeness!
ReplyDeleteThe Spaniard was the only man I considered having children with but there is a very promising gentleman on the horizon....hmm I don't wanna speak something that's just a great new beginning right now!