Keep Fuckin' Uhmmm...Playin' Wit' Me...

This post was actually intended for last Thursday, but Blogger was trippin'. I considered for a moment, because I don't believe in coincidences, that perhaps that post was supposed to stay between me & me (& B.B. cuz I had to gain some perspective on whether I was being melodramatic.) Then the feeling was exacerbated on Friday by more of the same, but I don't post on Fridays. Now it's Monday & there's been no resolution, except that I'm back to being comfortable in my own skin. I've joined Team Fuggem & I'm going to proceed as necessary to ensure I'm alright.

Between then & now I also heard Ice T I'm quoting Ice T & I can't believe it either say:

In life it's not what you accept but what you turn down.

By no means is that statement deep. Still, it reminded me that we can all be out here bending over & taking it with no Vaseline. It's the times when you decide you aren't going to be like everyone else & draw the line on what you will & won't participate in that counts. I won't participate in disrespecting myself. In many ways, by allowing some of the BS that has gone down to go down, in the name of keeping the peace, I've essentially spread 'em to make it easier. Problem. Putting up with bullshit causes dis-ease & diseases kill. Anyway, this is what came of Thursday's disgust, dismay, disappointment, & disillusionment with the institution I'm a part of Monday thru Friday:



This very moment is 1 of the “bite your tongue” sort & I’m uncomfortable. Over the last several years I’ve been working on the fine art of knowing when it’s necessary to speak. Everything I think doesn’t have to be said, but which things actually should be said still confuses me. The line is often smudged & my confusion causes me to be…even more silent, something I’m even more uncomfortable with. At times I equate silence with getting shafted. It’s kinda that a closed mouth doesn’t get fed perspective. In that particular adage, it’s about speaking up so you can receive, but no one ever said what you would or could receive. As a thinking person I decided that sometimes I need to speak up to prevent receiving things I’m not interested in, such as the feces of bulls. I’m hypersensitive & don’t respond well to anything that has a stench. Amazingly, I’ve found myself knee-deep in a trough of shit without my protective gear. I’m. Not. Happy.

Like I said, I don’t always feel silence is a good thing, hence the reason this space is called Broken Silence. For far too long I feel I’ve bitten my tongue, & some of you will disagree but I PROMISE I haven’t said MUCH of what’s run through my mind. I’m known for being honest, probably to a fault. I tell the truth because I wish to be told the truth. I tell the truth, especially to adults, because I want other adults to respect me enough as an adult to share with me WHATSOEVER needs to be shared so that I may always move in an informed fashion. As a friend of mine always says, “you ain’t gotta lie to kick it.” Good, bad, or indifferent, I respect you if you speak your truth and give folks an opportunity to deal with it. Al Sharpton said the other night--& I have NEVER quoted Al Sharpton—we can disagree without being disagreeable. Give me some fucking uhmm... some goddamn uhmmm...a little credit for being a reasonable adult. I haven’t flown off the handle at anyone in many years, & when I did it, it was for insulting my intelligence.

Sigh…

& here I am again. I’ve found myself surrounded by a bunch of passive aggressive punks who don’t have the balls uhmm...the cojones uhmmm...the courage to speak their truth & allow me to deal. Instead, I’m using my own powers of reasoning to figure out what their truth is & then have to sit back & wait for them to tell it. See, at other times, in another kind of relationship, I’ve done all the work & used my decoder ring to figure out what was going on AND THEN went so far as to say it for them since they were too punk to speak their truth. Feces of bulls. This time, I’m chasing no one to relieve them of any of their responsibilities. I await their “enlightenment” but I won’t be sitting still as they gather up the gumption to say what they feel needs to be said. Nothing & no one is off the hook. & while I wait, I’m going to keep handling my business as I always have & keep up with my Grace Under Fire routine. These cats don’t even realize that at the end of all of this, I’ll be flame retardant.

Watch me move.