Isht Talkin'

That’s that bullshit. & by bullshit I mean the steaming piles that drop from a male cow’s ass. & by ass I mean that foul place that the author of this message can kiss.

We as humans, I’ve deduced, are naturally wired to find ways to convince ourselves that something is OK when it’s not. Things like: having ANY man is better than no man; "he talks crazy, but he don't hit me;" & "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger." While there are some people who are built for long distance relationships *shout out to the Bestie for holdin' it down with The Lady* the average person is NOT. What is the purpose of being with someone you can’t actually…be with? Crazy thing--when I actually decide to be bothered with a person, I kinda like being bothered WITH the person.

The long distanced “relationship” for me is the Squad. It’s the small group of truly special & talented individuals whose company I enjoy a great deal on an inconsistent basis & who are great at team sports like paint ball or The GrownUp. It is not necessary for the squad members to do The GrownUp but it can certainly be in their contract. Mostly, it’s just cats who like to go do what the dullards uhmmm bums uhmmm...dudes around me usually don’t like to do. It goes something like this. “Hey, Ndygo, I’ll be in town for like 4 days on the ___________________. What’s good?” From there I figure out which of the 3 nights are available since I work. Then we get up for food & libations. Afterwards, depending on the season, we hit the streets or we hit the sheets. Adult agreements. When they leave, depending on my discipline or my drive or my commitment to not lowering my standards & playin’ dial-an-ex, I can hold out for the next 3-4 months until he/they returns to town or I have cause to be where he/they are. Squads manage themselves & somehow never have scheduling conflicts. At least not on my team. I haven’t exercised this practice in a little over a year, but it was SO EASY.

As much as I’ve loved the team members for their individual uniqueness, I’ve never really pondered the idea of dealing with any of them on a real level, save 1 or 2. & then reality snapped back & reminded me that this construct only works when I’m not fully committed. If I’m all the way there with you, we might be able to agree on some separations cuz you gotta go abroad for work or spiritual enlightenment, but but you cain’t just BE away. I need to know that after a long day I can either find you where we reside or make arrangements to get where you reside. I need to know that when I get that “itch”…you know the 1…that it can be scratched without booking 14 days in advance. I need to know that I can be in a relationship with you & maintain a savings account, not deplete it trying to get up enough frequent flyer miles to get my 1 free trip after 6 years worth of flights.

Overall, the majorest part is that I need to know that my support system is actually there to support me. The stumble & fall requires someone physically present to pick me up off the ground. & I need to know someone is there who needs me so that I too can practice my deadlift, raising Him up out of whatever muck & mire he seems to have fallen into. Relationships are like pills for me: I’m either not taking them at all or I’m taking them whole; nunna this halfsies business.

Y’all keep doin what you do, but the long distance thing for me is a “No No.” & I’m not knocking it without having tried it. I speaketh from experience.

Watch me move.

Post Script-because I’ve made this so absolute, life is going to come & test me on this & I’m going to fail. I think I'm not into beginning relationships like this or for having distance go on indefinitely without purpose, like school or starting businesses. Hell, I don't know, I just know I don't dig the concept. & I'm going to fail when this concept comes to test me. Le sigh.