States of Confusion On the Planet Platon

My life is filled with Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, where I meet great people & adopt them into my wolf pack. I'm always acquiring folks in sometimes unconventional ways. For instance, 1 of my closest girlfriends from high school started dating a guy in college when I went off to college. Actually, she was 2 grades behind me so in her senior year she was dating a college sophomore. Fast ass. Said friend, who we'll call Sheryl Lee (as in Ralph) because of the similar smiles at the time, introduced me to sophomore dude on 1 of her usual missions to figure out how she could see whatever boy she was into at the time. Fast ass. This was the standard activity in high school but I had graduated, for heaven's sake, & had moved past this past time. When I realized I had been set up once again to go see some third-leg I was heated & snapped on her, according to lore. I apologized to him for getting caught up in her ignorance but I was over the bogus mission. Somehow or another, when Sheryl Lee went off to school, he & I became thick as thieves. Enter the name #1 Jersey. See, no matter what I had going on in my life, Sheryl Lee's ex-boyfriend (by then) could see it, sense it, say it, bring it to life for me. We literally did isht like lay on the floor & talk & then get quiet at times with our heads touching & continue the conversation in silence. We were inseparable & despite whatever girlfriends or boyfriends we had, they had to be vetted by the other. He clowned with all seriousness that he wore my #1 Jersey & I could never trade him in. A Left Coast move some...14 (?) years ago & everything still stops when the #1 drops out of the friendly skies. Like he did last night.

History lesson over.

So, we hook up for the standard 15 minutes I'm allotted before he goes off to give 5 minutes to the rest of the peasants & pheasants (read: chickens/clucks). We get past the part of the ritual where I'm mad about this routine, though recognizing the gift of being 1 of like 3 people (the others being his brother & sister) who get more than 5 minutes in passing. We move on to the "gimme the scoop" portion of our togetherness. I broke down the projects I'm working on, the drama that is being a teacher of big heart & bigger expectations, & then moved on to discuss the person he jokingly called my "other half." This is where history comes to both soothe & sting. #1 Jersey reminded me of my pattern as I complained of this platonic holding pattern I'm in with B.B. Apparently B.B. is perfect for my steez. Not all the way prepared for the truth that belongs only to those who've grown up witchu, so to speak, I was all ready to buck at whatever erroneous ridiculousness he hit me with. I got served. The break down is that when my heart's involved, I play it close & don't let anybody near it til I'm sure what things is hittin' for. & I meant that "is." Grammar rules are WAY out the window at this point. He read me on how I'll easily keep a squad of cats who live in other cities/states so that I don't have to have any actual intimate connection to them & it can be deaded whenever. *cough* Truth, though I NEVER look at it like that. I really do enjoy the...adventures--yeah, that's it--that we share & we talk on the phone & email like any other friends do. But yeah, point taken. I apparently hang out with those that I'm already head over heels over on the planet Platon where platonic friends go to graze & die in peace.

As much as I wanted to hate on all this spilt tea all over the place, I had to admit some validity to it. With some subtle differences. I have a couple of different steelos--ode to 702. There's the cat that I'll like & NEVER let him know. Sometimes he's the dude that likes me too but I gotta igg him for both of our safety. I'm clear that me & him ain't got NO bidness gettin' together so I keeps it mum. Then, generally, I steer clear of friends because I'm not trying to lose them over no BS. There's like 2 or 3 other pieces in this ensemble but I fear this grows long. Anyway, the point is that right now...I'm in love. Like deep in it, sho' 'nuff in love. But I'm also like super grown now & have chalked up a bunch of experiences that inform, expertly this go round, how I move. I took a chance. I stated it. Said what I wanted. & I'm clear the feelings are mutual, but the path ain't clear right now & perhaps never will be (despite my visions).

Wrap it up, Ndygo. I know, I know.

Anyway, #1 Jersey got me wondering if I'm doing this all wrong? Here I am developing a friendship, 1 that the deeper it gets (literally by the damn second) that I'm proud of & intend to keep with or without the depth of words like "always" & "forever." I would hate to EVER lose B.B., but I still took the chance of saying my truth. Turns out, as I said, we share 1...or most of 1. The rest...well, not sure I have any control over that & I'm not trying to be in control. However, I am not trying to move in fear of losing, but I am wondering if my ability to easily be a man's friend (though not on THIS level) has lead me back to the 1st class seats on the rocket back to Platon?

Everybody says be friends 1st. But then those that don't say that say some other isht I've done that have yielded lackluster results too. What the EFF to do?!?

Help me move.