The Wrap Up: Courtesy of Reruns

This year's BET Awards were experienced from a moldy room in Venezuela, via the Twittersphere. Typically, I watch all black awards shows to get an intravenous dose of ignotainment & see just how far my eyebrows can raise in response to the plethora of coonrific examples shuckin' & jivin' across my screen. ((breathe)) While these shows leave me smdh shaking my damn head, it's almost an addiction at this point to watch them. & from Venezuela I wasn't sure that the twitching I experienced was withdrawal induced or the aftershocks from coughing mocking my existence.

Anywho, I watched the event that was the BET Awards TwennyLebem via reruns last night. Honestly, after reading my favorite bloggers & their takes on the show, it was almost pointless. The comedy of their writing was far funnier than the actual show, which was almost a chore for my eyes to consume. I ain't gon' waste your time dealing with who dared Ceelo to dress up as Patti LaBelle. I'll skip all Ricky Rosay jokes & stories of how I CAIN'T STAND DJ Khaled's nah, fool, you ain't black over the top EVERYTHING!! Wait----->I can't help but call out how many times those fools changed clothes. But I suppose that big as d'ey is, under all those lights, they had to have sweated out each outfit as damn near the ONLIEST performers for the whole damn show. BET must've blown their whole budget on those Sprint tablets. Apparently, almost free is too expensive for Blacks to Entertain on Television 'cuz e'ry other network uses iPads. #imjessayin

See how that happened? I wasn't even ready to start yet & the show just kinda ran itself through the ringer. OK...lets get started.

1. I love Anita Baker. She sings the song that I dedicate to B.B. She sounds like an angel of Da Lawd singin' "Angle "Angel." Or she did. Last year on the--1'a these shows--she sounded like she'd been at a camp for "sangers" who don't get as much run as they used to, anticipating an award show calling to do a tribute to her & knowing the audience would be looking at her all nostalgic. This year she sounded a lil' like her mama didn't have all the money for it & she had to pretend in the bathroom mirror. I'ma gon' & charge it to the emotion of it all. But that will NOT make me excuse her choice of attire. Auntie 'Nita, can you please get you some 2011 lace? I guess not. Lace wore lace to its own funeral. Lace is all casket fresh with a handkerchief pressed into the petite hand of the deceased. Auntie, you IS NOT dead!! Stop dressing as though you are while tryna find love in the after life.

2. Anita wasn't alone in her fashion tragedy. Mary J. Blige, ever committed to the jersey knit one piece gave us vanilla soft serve meets cotton/lycra/spandex blend. Her accessory of choice? The heavy liftin' belt. I could've forgiven that MJB doesn't know the Fashion 411, still, if she hadn't been continuously clearing her throat on the mic. She may call them notes but I call them phlegm. She kilt me deader than whatever animal used to wear her ponytail.



3. MJB's ponytail brings me to my question. When the female Colorati goes to the hurr dresser, the hurr dresser asks, "Gurl, where is we goin' this time? Don't e'em tell me who gon' be thurr til we get ya wig split." Soon as "award show" is the answer, the hurr dresser goes to the back on some, "I got just the thang," & returns with the obligatory phony pony. Did y'all count 'em?

4. Kevin Hart being the host probably should've been the 1st on the list, but my mind is too fried from watching this madness to be able to act like I got sequencing skills. The dude is HILARIOUS!! Folks discriminating on him cuz he's XX-smedium, but he can't help that. I've never missed a routine & I even had the pleasure of seeing him live this past November (shout out to the undate that was the beginning of the beginning). His lil a$$ gets big laughs. & while he had moments when he certainly made me smile with sound, I have to give him props for his choreo moment with the rest of the Lollipop Guild. He BETTER had stepped his a$$ off, givin' fevah with all those chirrens who were taller than him.

5. I know black folks tend to be Equal Opportunity Employers to a fault even as others try to do away with Affirmative Action but dayumb. Can you please explain to me what makes Justin Beiber's stop through a "special appearance?" Just 'cuz Ursher allows him to play by the house with little Usher Terry Raymond & Navyid Rly Raymond the 5th doesn't make him an honorary BLACK entertainer. I can see you saying, "So what, they let Bruno Mars sing." True indeed. He's a brown person. He's prolly #portorickin, which we all know = black. I'll get back to Bruno later. Right now, it's urgent for me to question how in the hell young Navyid RLY Raymond gets to be the 5th? The 5th of WHAT?!? Usher's daddy ain't never been in the picture & I don't think his name is this random conglomeration of letters blended together to make syllables (?). It ain't like Usher is the 4th of whatever that says, & no 3rd has been identified so, again, I ask how he got to be the 5th? Did Usher mean Da Fiff? 'Cuz da colo'ds understand what that is. Now, if he'd named them Curiouser George & Curiousest George, aka Junior & Tre, I coulda worked with him.

6. Uhmmmm...sooooo...the Five Heartbeats performance? I'm not sure it's even necessary to speak on this. It feels redundant. The performance was its own commentary & I'm not really into wasting time, which I think I may be doing by typing ANYTHING related to this glitch in the Matrix. Whatever, I'll ask my question anyway. Sooooo...did Michael Wright just decide that 1991 was his effin' year & quit at Life, deciding to spend the rest of his AS Eddie Kane? Did they find that dude in an aluminum foil suit behind the theater, laid out on a mattress with some crack hos & a Fiff of sumpin? I won't hate on the fack that they didn't know the words nor the choreo 'cuz the real work was ALWAYS Babyface's lil brother n'em (aka After 7). #sadface

7. How did Diddy's Dirty Drawls Money win ANY award? 1st, Diddy should be embarrassed that everyone in the category was children. He beat out the babies. The only kids he didn't stand a chance against were the Smith Spawn. I know the chick Dawn is just glad that those other girls from that group whose name none of us remembers except my cousin, KH fell off the planet. I also suspect she pushed her boyfriend from Day 26 off the edge of the Earth, 'cuz you know it's flat in their world. & I really wanna clown the other 1 who goes by Not Dawn for not being able to take a moment to thank Gawd & Mama Combs for sharing her bottle of platinum hair color because she didn't wear her 2-way tape. She didn't want to accidentally overexpose herself to the audience. I'm sure it's never happened before & we need to maintain her chaste image. o__________0 (needing to borrow some seats from Awesomely Luvvie so she can have some)

I'm almost done, I PROMISE!!

8. I'm by no means an Alicia Keys stan but from time to time she puts out a single I can listen to. "Diary" is 1 of my FAVORITE love songs. & the dude who sings background is 1 of my FAVORITE background singers/eye candy. That ain't got nuttin to do with nuttin. Alicia made me wish that baby caused a milk let down & she couldn't perform because little Egypt needed to be nursed ASAPtually. But no! She messed it all up & came out singing like she had just learned the songs the night before. She sang them in the Key of Confusion, especially her 1st song. Bruno Mars, bless his helpful & well coiffed soul, came out & rescued her on her own songs. However we gotta get this done, Son!

Lastly, I must take a moment to reflect on that which is Alexander O'Neal & Cherelle.

9. Who remembers the song "Fake!" I know it's a question but the power behind Alex O's voice when he accuses the chick of being 1 requires an exclamation point. The song is poignant now as black women drown ever deeper in the depths of lacefront wigwams & false eyelashes. Add to that the butt jobs, the nose jobs & opting to wear foundation 8 shades lighter than your natural complexion & Alex wouldn't be able to recognize NAN NO ONE out here in these streets. He would be leading protest marches against plastic women with a self-penned anthem. His partner in the duet, "Saturday Love," Cherelle, must not've known about the song I love so much. They called her all last minute with no time to pawn anything to hire a trainer or get a tummy tuck. Instead, Cherelle bought a disguise, aka a wig, & successfully covered her face while exposing her decolletage (aka the assets) & drawing attention away from how she was unsuccessful at maintaining her mid-section. It happens. What shouldn't happen however, is watching the pair sing & wondering if Alex forgot his PoliGrip backstage, tripped up some stairs & his dentures flew out of his mouth with no seconds to spare before hittin' the stage. Maybe in the church he learned to sing in it was teeth optional & he was getting back to his roots. Or perhaps he left his teeth in his druggy past & his Once Upon A Time R&B dental plan doesn't cover a replacement bridge.

Like I said, watching it was a chore. I eventually grew bored, managing some textversations & attempting to assist B.B. with something. Cracking crabs was more exciting. Trying to catch the sweat running down my back, thanks to my janky A/C, held my attention longer. I saw Jill Scott outta the corner of my eye in a crappy wig. I swooned over Patti Patti. I laughed at the Real House Husbands sketches & occasionally remembered to look up for Kevin Hart's pieces. I noticed Drake is trying his hand at facial hair, Lil Wayne still doesn't realize that as a father WITH HIS KID IN THE AUDIENCE WITH HIM that he should pull his cotdayumb pants up, & that Bussa Buss still can't dress himself. I failed to understand why I should care about Beyonce's performance, clapped for Kelly Rowland's successful fevah emanating from underneath the big floppy (hat) & chuckled at how Trey's songz just don't...anyway.

That's it. My apologies if this was lackluster, but the awards were lackluster for me, so...

Watch me move.

Post Script--I'm glad the colo'ds stop shunning Chris Brown & y'all are lettin' C-Breezy eat again. I guess now that Rihanna is killin' cats in her videos, they feel like she can hold her own in case something else were to pop off again.

Gitchu summa dis Kelly Rowland swexzy. My favorite performance of the night & the only time I've EVER believed her.