Ever Elusive: The Right Jumper

All of my adult life I have coveted the jumpsuit. Long before it ever made its resurgence, I’ve been searching for the right one to propel me toward fashionista status. Well, it’s too late to use it as such a tool, but I still want a jumpsuit. The challenge over the years has been my height, or lack thereof, passed down like an heirloom from the maternal AND paternal grandmothers. My other gifts from them that damn near exclude me from finding the right adult romper are my maternal grandmother’s ample buttocks and my paternal grandmother’s childbearing hips. They come together wonderfully for the taste of the average black man, but the Trifecta can be a bit of a shopping nightmare. As a teacher, I haven’t broken into the tax bracket that brings you personal stylists or a seamstress. I’m out here on my own trying to avoid being identified as an Old Navy Mannequin on the strength of wearing 1 of a bazillion of any given piece. In the words of Bernie Mac (RIP), it’s hard goddamn work.

I sought the help of a friend who is not only a style maven, but happens to have the same issues I have but with height instead of not. She added my 3 issues up and weighed them against my #1 goal: to be sophisticated and phunky, and came up with an instant FAIL. She actually said it would be a miracle to find such a jumpsuit that pulled together the Trifecta in a sophisticated manner. To make myself feel better, I went on a search for jumpsuits in a variety of styles that manage to have the opposite affect of looking like a 7-year old visiting grandma for the summer. Where many jumpsuits have torn a woman’s sophistication quotient to shreds (perhaps the aim & I just don’t understand it), these options IMO show just how WELL a jumpsuit can be done, as well as a couple ways it can go wrong.

We’ll explore some Mis-take options first. Here, Rihanna is giving us the romper.

As I mentioned, the romper can turn on you like Chipotle before a board meeting, as this one has on her. From the neck up, Rihanna looks like a grown woman. From the neck down she appears to have been attacked by the living personification of some hippie’s psychadelic trip. Perhaps the shoe pulls the look together, as a strong shoe is apt to, but it’s not captured so…. Rihanna is Playground Fresh. I actually just purchased a romper and can’t wait to find an appropriate venue to debut it in. Mine is for adults though, and to make sure no one’s confused, I will be rockin’ a grown woman’s shoe.

Next, in the Mis-take category is Sanaa Lathan.

She was clearly trying to avoid the trap that Rihanna’s ankle got caught in and went a little…too adult. This color is so geriatric, as is the belt on lean like her arthritis got in the way of putting the belt in the right place. It’s half covering the gathering under the bust, but I’m almost positive it’s supposed to be shown. At the same time, I’m pretty sure seeing it wouldn’t rescue this jumpsuit’s take on grown. It missed grown, went straight to elderly, and certainly bypassed sexy. We’ll call this jumpsuit Shuffleboard Crisp.

Keri Hilson makes the cut because she’s borderline here.

This look could cause her to lose points or just barely pass. She’ll serve as our median. If I could even make out the fabric which looks like it could be sweatpants pulled high and belted in place to me, I could name this. Since I can’t, I’ll just keep her here in the sway column since she can go either way with this.

Fourth on the docket is Toni Braxton.

I love this for a few reasons, minus those ginormous cuffs. First, Toni ain’t no spring chicken, but this sexy mother of two is giving you all kinds of youthful diva in this denim jumpsuit. It updates denim, which is always good, and pays homage to the preservation of her body over the years. Plus, Toni loves denim so much she named 1 of her sons after the once stiff cotton fabric. If anyone were to ask me, which they did not, the length could’ve been cleaned up by a tailor, but I’m not mad at her in this. Lets call this Denim Goes Designer.

Almost done.

Ciara, who is reminiscent of Kenu [sp] (Dwayne Wayne’s girlfriend before he and Whitley finally got together), is giving it to us lovely. I rarely ever like anything Uncle CeCe wears, as she’s referred to on 1 site, but she happens to be hittin’ the mark with this jumpsuit. It doesn’t appear to be a polyrayspandex blend, which helps the fabric not to do what Sanaa Lathan’s jumpsuit did. It falls ever so softly on her hips and keeps it moving elegantly into a wide leg. The keyhole halter is youthful but not too revealing, and showcases her muscular shoulders like a good frame. Ciara rocks this and gives me hope that good jumpsuits really do exist. She is a tall girl, however, so I can’t get my hopes up too high that I’d be able to find anything quite like this. Dubbing this one Cadillac Black!

Now for the piece de resistance (work with me & imagine the accent marks): Joy Bryant.

Her jumpsuit reminds me of seashells, mother-of-pearl. She looks comfortable and chique. She looks soft and feminine but like she could easily pass that clutch off if you tried to bring it. This to me represents the beautiful dichotomy that is being a woman. Dichotomies can’t be boxed in, so I won’t try to name this one. Lets all just take a few seconds to revel in its elegance. 1....2....3....fin.

So, I hope my girlfriend has been enlightened on my trip through rompers and jumpsuits. It is indeed possible to find a good 1, though there are far more options in the mistake category. The search continues. If you are on your own search for this albino peacock, remember these are just my opinions and I wish you well.

Watch me move.