Pure Salt

Written Sunday for posting on Monday.

The last few weekends have been so full. & they’ve all left me with something to ponder. Truth be told, right now (at 7:57 a.m.) I’d rather not.

I stated some time back that I had to let go of The X altogether. He was my best friend before we got together & we ridiculously tried to maintain that after we broke up. The weight of it all got too heavy for my sensitive back & something had to give. Naturally, it was Him. That was April (on this day & this day). I don’t know when I’d seen him last before that (though February is the last time I recall) so the guess is it’s been between 5 & 8 months since I’ve had him in my sights. My dream world has been ripe with Him giving me cameos & proving to myself, in them, just how strong I am. In my dreams I was able to resist his charms, ignore his pleas, & K.I.M. The frequency of the dreams let me know my time was coming. The irony of living in DC & running into people on an almost daily basis but NOT EVER running into The X has not been lost on me.

Friday I ventured into an environment we once shared to do something I love as much as air & food. I felt strong. After all, we’ve been apart a year longer than we were actually together. Time was on my side. Not to mention, I’ve been GOOD. I’ve been having a good time, smile wider than ever, laughter in full bloom around here. Everyone’s noticed. Good, right? So, I walk in & He’s talking, as he should be in this capacity, handling business. No need for me to interrupt ‘cuz those aren’t the terms I have us on right now. Moments later when he’s walking, toward me, to take care of something I stopped & gave Him a hug & asked how he was doing. I know the answer to the question based on the time of year it is & knowing what it does to him. After all this silence it felt good to be in a familiar space, but I didn’t linger with it. I came for a reason & had every intention of fulfilling my purpose.

I did what I came to do, didn’t hang around, & moved on to the next thing on my agenda. I’d survived the 1st sighting. I was good. Good, I say.

I returned for day 2 of my purpose. Saw Him again but was acutely aware of the change. In the past I would have been seeing after him, making sure he’d eaten, was taking care of himself & not just buzzing off of stress. I would wait patiently til he’d finished talking to whoever required his attention before checking on him & then doing my thing. I don’t have that responsibility anymore so hanging around while he talks just to acknowledge his presence seemed….silly at best. So, I didn’t. Did what I came to do, left, & later returned for the evening portion of the festivities where I wouldn’t have to be in contact but would have to watch him for 2 hours.

Honestly, I don’t recall ever thinking the man was unattractive, just never really paid him any attention before we got together. I didn’t have reason to. He was married when we met & after that it was all just friendship. By the time that had blossomed he was just a male, not a Man I paid close attention to. Make sense? After we got together He was just so beautiful to me. Watching Him last night I was struck by just how beautiful he is. Far too much reminiscing took place as I watched him while trying to not to. When it was all over I milled about talking to folks I hadn’t seen in years or just since last year this time. He walked by & I took notice of the weight he’d lost, the upgrade in his low-key style, the summer complexion I love… Cool.

& then it wasn’t cool anymore. Some friends had asked me for a ride & I was waiting for them to be ready & doing some purposeful standing of my own. The X was nearby talking to a young lady who may or may not have been his girlfriend ;nothing about her stands out for my memory to grasp]. Finally the friends were ready to leave & we got to the car & drove them back to their hotel. My mood went astray somewhere along the way. Here I had 2 beautiful men in my car, both with past or present interest in me (& an understanding that everyone’s clear I ain’t now nor have I ever been checkin’ for them), & I’m mad. What the hell kinda sense does that make? I wanted them out but couldn’t release them to the nearest curb so I continued on in vocal silence, hoping the music would consume the space. No such luck. My foul mood was immediately detected & the questions flew at me. When I dropped them off they felt I needed company & should park. I wanted nothing more than for them to disappear as if by magic & leave me alone to sort through these feelings.

One of them, Droopy, knows me better than the other & knew the deal. He wouldn’t get out of the car & proceeded to tell me about the ways of love. He said the best revenge is to find someone quickly & marry them. Yes, because that’s how things work. & let us not forget that all I’ve ever wanted was to be married. Uhmmm…no. He offered the truth of men: no matter if He’s got another girlfriend (which is really not the problem). The relationship that you had, sharing a home & a bed for 2 years, means seeing you with another man will ALWAYS make him angry. OK……and? There was more but not worth the energy it takes to type it. I sat practicing my powers of telepathy as he talked, trying to sent the message for him to GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR!! Finally he got it & took himself inside. None of that happened before the tears flowed crazy & I tried to explain to my friend Girly Girl on the phone what I was dealing with. I’m sitting in my newly washed Steel Magnolia, just as shiny as she pleases at night, in full water works, looking a ugly mess on the curb. All the goodness of the day (minus finding out about the crush’s girlfriend) shot to hell in a matter of minutes. Sigh…

I came home. I brushed my teeth. I laid it down. Not 5 hours later, before the sun even came up, I woke up hyperventilating from dreams of Him. Tearless crying in my bed before sunrise? Never happened before. The message of the night before, delivered by 1 of our community elders, was to be honest, to forgive, to apologize, & let people know we love them. I feel a strong desire to break the Silence Edict I placed on us back in April but feel that it would tear the very fabric of my existence if I spoke my heart & gave the false impression that there’s room here. How do you tell a man you love Him down to the bone marrow & then try to convince him that you have no room in your life for him [assuming he had wanted to or planned to make room for me]? Hell, I’m not even clear I’m convinced. I know for a fact that I’m in a better place, that He was not ready to do what I thought we were doing, & that I can NOT be with a man who moves through life & decision making in the ways that he does. But I looooooooooooooooooove that man. Oh God, I love him. & I miss my friend like you wouldn’t believe.

Sigh…the tears are back. I gotta go.

Watch me move.