Good Booty!

Get your minds out of the gutter.

The holidays are upon us. I don't exactly celebrate the birth of the Virgin Mary's mystery kid, but I respect those who do. The Bestie gets a gift for Christmas just as he gives me 1 for it. Not a problem. I LOVE drinking egg nog with my family & breaking bread with them on the Christmases I'm present for. I celebrate time with my loved ones. 1 and done. But I grew up with Kwanzaa. Not like a convert whose birth certificate reads Gary Lubbuck & found his Afrikanity in an Afrikan Studies class at an HBCU & suddenly goes by ObaShola FelaTunde...Lubbuck. I'm the chick whose parents were in before toothbrushes came in holiday Kente (WTF?!?) & Kwanzaa Claus showed us how to make the Kwanzaa ham on Atlanta network television. True story.

As the holiday approaches, I'm wondering what would actually make a difference in my life if I received it? So I've decided to brainstorm a bit for fun.

1. Round-trip airfare to anywhere outside of the U.S. I haven't seen enough of the world. & while I intend to have plenty of my own duckets allotted for this, every little bit helps.

2. Money set aside for a stipend so that I could go on sabbatical & still survive while getting at least 1 of these stories outside of my head & heart. I've heard it's called a Sugar Daddy but I just haven't been able to push my self-worth aside to accept gifts from a man I don't care about or for. Hell, I can barely accept compliments, let alone gifts, from a man I DO care about and for.

3. A fund created so I can start a writing contest for kids. I have more than enough responsibilities to participating in contests my kids don't want to actually write for. I'd love to be able to come up with a meaningful 1 that does something like award the winner a trip to somewhere else in the world that brown people live to expose him/her to the way others that look like him/her live.

4. Time. I know that can't really be given but damn if I don't need some. & please don't bother mentioning the 10 days coming up. For those of you that have...let's say 4 or fewer children, I don't wanna hear A THING about how 10 days should suffice. Your own brood make you tired. Multiply your own by 8 & that's still only a fraction of the children I come in contact with on a daily basis. Love it...but I'm ti'ed & not shame to say I'm ready to saddown!

5. A building. I got plans.

6. A house. Summay'all need more people. I need more rooms. This apartment don't exactly house these shoes, allow for me to expand my wardrobe the way I'd like, or make room for these kids I need to bring home sometimes.

7. Staycation. Yeah, I wanna go UH-WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, but I'd settle for a simple change of scenery. A simple hotel, that doesn't complete the line “motel/Holiday Inn,” & has a room service menu that's actually digestible.

8. The name of a store that sells jeans for black girls who possess the once stereotypical rumpus posterious. Oh, & a sample pair—petite size 8. Please & thank you. & I say stereotypical 'cuz it's just not true anymore. We're out here majoring in Muffin Top rather than the classic Onion. Black girls out here doing the least with the most. Shame.

9. Books. I need a gift card with substantial dollars to Amazon.com so that I may order ALL the books on my back log...that shamefully is at least 2 years old. Little Girl, you can stop asking me where I shop & eat. All'ahwan' do is read.

10. A dander-free kitten that is also cute. Dander-free makes it sound like it must be 1 of those freakazoid hairless numbers from that stupid movie with the stupid guy who did so much stupid stuff it's escaped me. I just want a kitten that won't prevent the Sister from coming over. Or leave hair all over my furniture. Or scratch up my things. A'ight, maybe I'm not ready for pet ownership again & Donatello will have to suffice for now.

See. I don't want much. I left some things out that aren't ya bizness, but that's about it. What do you want for this holiday season? Is it realistic or stewed in fantasy? By the way, the fantasies are the 1's I left out. Nacho bizness.

Merry Christmahanukwanakah & a Happy New Year!!

Watch me move.

Post Script-these cats as adults look like walking disease or vomit with paws. But as babies...I'mjessayin, I could bring that kitten home & actually love it. I've loved uglier things in my life.