What Chilli Really Wants

A few short months ago I had nothing to do with my life for about 2 days & managed to catch the entire 1st season of What Chilli Wants. It saddens me to type 1st, meaning automatically that there is now a 2nd. I'd really hoped that it would go the way Lil Kim's reality show went—deadbeat TV dungeon. This past weekend, during my commitment to nothingness lest I catch a beat down, I happened upon what Chilli does outside of the bowl. In short—get on my nerves.

It only took about 4 minutes & 17 seconds for me to figure out what's really happening here. Chilli is no more looking for a man than ANY woman who auditioned for the Flavor Of Love actually was looking for the love of a raisenette. What Chilli wants is to be relevant.

TLC was all Rozonda had going on. Think back on the videos, even research them on YouTube & you'll be quick to realize that Chilli was the overlooked 1. T-Boz was sultry & intriguing with the raspy voice & her commitment to Black Girl-blonde. Left Eye was adorable & crazy. Who could look away from the condom eye wear & the fire starter kit? Was the nickname Chilli supposed to mean spicy? Enh...nothing. Chilli was just cute. Nothing more.

When Left Eye passed we realized T-Boz's voice, minus the 8.5 bars Left Eye added just wasn't gon' cut it. & what was Chilli doin' on those records? I can't remember. You can't either, can you? Yeah, I thought not. After that T-Boz married Mack 10 & no one cared. Chilli had a baby with my baby *don't judge* Dallas Austin. Nobody blinked. Then she came up on Curious George Ursher Usher & she mattered again. It wasn't really that we cared about her so much as we wondered how in the Animal Kingdom hell did they even come together? Cougars & monkeys? & doin the Grown Up no less. It just didn't make sense. She didn't look like anybody's woman & we certainly hadn't decided Usher was a man. So we watched, looking for signs that it was real...or right...or regular... & then it ended. Just like that, Chilli fell back into obscurity & Usher catapulted into superstardom off of songs that chronicled their mishap relationship.

It's gotta be hard to almost be famous. Like, you kinda are, but not all the way. You got the fame but missed the o-u-s. That's got to be heart breaking. So, to get back into our hearts & get on our minds, Chilli is trickin out with a band of men she knows she wouldn't look twice at on any day ending in d-a-y. & it's all being set up by a raucous relationship expert whose expertise seems to always be in question. Hhhmmm... There've been farmers & restarauteurs, race car drivers, & boxers. The boxer was thrown in for the “drama” of watching Chilli get played. What the producers forgot is that we could see that coming from over at the Braille Academy &....we just don't care that much.

You know what? I'm sorry that Left Eye died. Real talk. Although...her passing did stop the occurrences of me getting chased by midwestern teen tour groups at Pentagon City, leaving me to sign autographs when mistaken for Tisha Campbell. #notagoodlook. I'm sorry that T-Boz found fulfillment in motherhood & found a way to feed herself & her DNA that didn't involve a whole lot of working 'front the public eye. I'm also sorry she didn't tell you the secret to her survival. Now you gotta be out here teasin' & sloring for the 5's of 10's of viewers—3 of whom are on the Tom Joyner Morning Show. I bow my head in shame for knowing that.

Sigh...

Chilli, Girl, I hope you find your self worth somewhere out here in the world. However, I hate to inform you, VH1 doesn't offer that. Sorry. Maybe you & Girl Melanie can be support to one another. Stranger things have happened.

Watch me move.